zui hou yige (the last one)‏

Shengdanjie Kauile! Merry Christmas everyone!

Thank you so much for all of you loving and supporting me, while I've been on my mission. Mom, I got your package! I loved it! I gave out the popcorn balls to random people who weren't expecting it, rather than the people in my district. An old lady practicing really basic piano hymns in the chapel, two high school students who went to a classroom in the chapel to study for a test, the chapel security guard. It was fun.

I sort of feel like my life is ending, like I've been floating peacefully in this universe for a while on the crest of a wave, but the waves are suddenly getting larger, louder, more intense, and any second now I'm going to crash against the firm hard shore, and I don't know what will happen then. I feel nervousness and fear for facing life after the mission, deep sadness for the people I will love here, and also an overwhelming gratitude for this experience.

At the same time, I have this sense that life actually isn't any louder or more intense than it seems. I am still me, still owner of those quiet, delicate decisions I make in my heart every day. I still have to drag myself from sleep and have time to stretch in the mornings. I still like to sit on the floor and cuddle up to the space heater during studies, like I have every winter day of my mission. I still have to think about and carefully choose my words when I talk to Sister Chu, and shift the space heater in her direction when she clutches her legs, indicating she is cold. In a week life will be as peaceful as it's ever been, just with different scenery.

Like, really. The details of life are always so beyond our control. I want to live inside that sweet reality I've found  during my mission, where life consists of a continual stream of choices to love or to not love. It's like an assembly line in a factory. You pick up one thing at a time, one person, one lesson, one conversation, and you decide what you do with it, and then you set it back down and do the same thing to whatever life brings you next. Over and over again. Life is just all these quiet little decisions we do in our hearts.

I feel so thankful for the atonement, for teaching me once I have set something down in the past, not to worry about it so much. Sometimes we have time and eyesight to rectify our mistakes, but sometimes we do all we can and it's still not enough. If we start freaking out about all we did wrong, we're going to miss all the opportunities for better decisions that keep coming down the line. We have to keep our minds focused on whatever person or challenge or requirement is in front of us right now, and just doing the best we can.

Okay, I have to go now. I guess I'll see you all on Saturday afternoon... awkward. Just kidding. I really do love you all and am excited to get reaquauinted!
Have a very Merry Christmas!!!

Sister Brown