Quiet Moments

Hello everyone!

 

As usual, thank you for the letters and emails and support I feel from all of you on that side of the world. Friends and family, both. I think I have gotten over the sense of desperation for contact with you all, such that if it doesn't come I am still doing okay, but it is still just so, so nice.

 

Although maybe I'm not over that. This week was interesting. Definltely different from the routine--Sister Kang had a little bike accident last Tuesday night that interrupted our whole weekly schedule. She broke too hard going down a hill and tumbled over her bike, scraping her legs and arms pretty bad, and landing on her back. (The same thing happened to me about a month ago but not as bad--thankfully these were good reminders never to get too comfortable and take for granted all the times we do travel safely.)

 

Anyway, the next morning she could barely sit or stand because her back was hurting so bad, so we spent the whole day in the hopsital. (This is socialized health care for you--we spent quite some time waiting in lines, but in the end her whole check up and the painkillers only cost $20 dollars.) And the next few days she wasn't feeling well enough to go out as much as we normally would. When we did go out, I was basically senior companion. I handled all the little things from the keys to the cell phone to the big things like leading in all the lessons. It was definitely challenging but I really, truly felt like Heavenly Father blessed me with the clarity of mind, the spirit, and the Chinese necessary to do what I need to do.

 

There was a lot more thinking time than usual, this week, since Sister Kang was resting a lot. It didn't seem like I should rest just because she was, so I would wake up at 6:30 as usual, do yoga (so fun--especially now that I have muscles!) and then study the rest of the time. I can't believe I ever felt like ten minutes of scripture study every day was enough. I feel so thirsty, so thirsty for those beloved hours spent in the scriptures and study jounral each morning, and am always wanting to stretch them to last longer. Recently I have been reading the New Testament in conjunction with Jesus the Christ. I also read old conference talks, read sections of the other standard works, and I write a lot in my study journal. Sometimes little notes, sometimes quotes I like, and sometimes entire essays on the things I am learning. Studying is the best thing ever.

 

Anyway, one of theses times when SIster Kang was resting, I was feeling a little lost and purposeless--wanting to do something productive but not being able to. I opened up that book that Mary put together before I left with pictures and goodbye notes from everyone. I started in the back, and read notes from Colby, Tianne, Gabe, Robby, Camille, such good friends I have been blessed with. Then I got to the family section. I saw Bill's picture and started crying and crying. In his note to me he said that I was a good example to him or something like that. Basically he expressed the idea that I was a valuable human being and had made a positive impact on him. Haha. But seriously, it was the most beautiful thing to me. I realized how much I had been needing to hear that--that I was doing an okay job at life.

 

The loneliness of missionary life is very hard but cleansing. Sister Kang and I talk to so many people each day, but the truth is they all live in a very differently-constructed reality than we do. Most people who see us or talk to us each day have no idea what is actually in our hearts, what our lives are actually like. I am sure they have no idea, whenever they talk to us, about what we are actually thinking right then--about how our gospels--these deep, precious ideas and experiences that mean something to us--can bless their lives. They usually think we are students or are getting paid to proselyte. Overcoming this barrier of communication to get ourselves on the same page is often humorous, fun, challenging, rewarding, but certainly lonely. And even between Sister Kang and I, there is a type of loneliness for sure. We are both a bit on the quieter side of personalities. My training experience hasn't been one in which I've been constantly coddled and complimented. It's been one where I have had to take initiative and go and do--even though I have no idea most of the time what I'm doing and usually don't get sufficient feedback on how I am doing. Or perhaps it is that the feedback I do get--"Your Chinese is really getting better" or, "Thanks for taking the lesson in that direction" is just not big enough to cover and confirm all the huge leaps of faith and sacrifice I take each day in my heart.

 

So anyway, reading letters from the family in that book meant so much to me and gave me a sense of peace that I am an okay person.

 

But really, the beauty of this kind of life can't be taken for granted. I cherish so much all these moments of in-my-heart decision-making when literlaly only myself and Heavenly Father know about and will ever know about. I cherish so much the humility I have been able to feel. Those nights when I pray and my thoughts follow the track of I don't know if I have given all I can, I hope I have, maybe I could have done this better or that---and all of a sudden this peace comes to me, because the fact that I am having this struggle in my mind shows that my heart is in the right place. And that he loves me for that. And that love that will grace my heart in some moments  is real and the sweetest thing in the world, especially when its source--Heavnly Father--is the sole witness to all the hurts of my days. All the reasons I need that love.

 

On Saturday we had our first performance for the Christmas program. It was a little rough, musically. We are not all real musicians, and some of us (cough) who once thought we were musicians do find their fingers not moving as smoothly and fluidly as they once did. But the wonderful thing is that Taiwan doesn't care! They think anyone who tries is so amazing, and clap after every performance, even in the chapel! It is really refreshing, to feel like you can play for an audience of people who love you instead of people who will cry in their hearts because you were 1/38th of an inch flat on that high E.

 

To go along with the humility theme; last Saturday at the Christmas program I got in a conversation with an Elder who apparently saw my band "Searching for Celia" perform a long time ago. Probably in our early days. So of course we got to talking about Velour, and music we liked, and then people around us starting being like, "You played in a band? Oh my gosh how cool you are awesome et cetera!" And all of a sudden my head was full of pink puffy clouds and I started thinking, "Yeah.... maybe I am awesome et cetera!" But ithose thoughts tasted as toxic as they were delicious. It made me reflect on how distracted from God and prideful it is easy to become. I am so, so afraid of falling back into that when I get home and losing this clarity of heart that I have right now. It really is a gift to live in a lonely, quiet world where you don't rely on others for approval because you can't--they're not there!

 

I feel like my letters talk so much about myself, and not enough about the wonderful people I get to meet each day. Sorry! This one has been nice because I've been working out a lot of my thoughts. Thanks for being patient with my rambling. Sorry for my crappy English.

 

But here is a story to leave you on. Last night we met with Xu JieMei (JieMei=Sister, Xu is her last name.) She is an older woman--probably in her 50's--who is very strong willed and talkative. She loves SIster Kang and I a lot, always telling us we are like her daughters and bringing us fruit or chocolate every time we meet with her. She is one of our investigators who really gets it, I think. She has been through all of the lessons but doesn't want to commit to getting baptized because she doesn't feel strong enough. She doesn't often come to church because her sons tease her so much about it. She wants to wait until she feels she has the faith to obey all the commandments before she commits. We have been trying to focus our lessons on things we can do to build her faith and her personal relationship with God. Last night, we decided to watch "the Testaments" with her. So we sat in front of the TV in a room in the chapel, drank hot chocolate, and watched Jesus perform miracles and Jacob flirt with Laneah and pillars crush bad guys and all that. Xu Jiemei was glued to the screen, and her reactions were like a little child's--she would jump with surprise at some points and make a little emotional noise that I couldn't tell was a laugh or a cry.  My favorite part was when Christ appeared to Mary Magdalene at the garden tomb, and she cried out in a choked, but excited voice, "Ta you fuhuo le!" (He resurrected!) And at the end she was crying and crying. (So was I.) She kept saying afterwards that Heavnly Father had answered her prayers, and she knew what she needed to do. She gave the most beautiful, heartfelt prayer I have ever heard an investigator give. It was so beautiful to be a part of that.

 

I really love being a missionary. Really.

I love you all so much! Thanks for everything you have all done for me. Take care!

 

Sister Brown

Ganen! (Gratitute)‏

Hello everyone!

 

Thank you so much to everyone who wrote to me! Including cousin Heather--your letter came in the mail just at the time I needed it. Thank you so much.

 

All of you will be together with family having Thanksgiving this week, I assume! How lucky. I really miss you all, and the connections and convesrations I had with family and friends back home that I sometimes crave for out here. But if there is anything I have learned, it is that you can really get used to anything. And if I choose to just accept my situation--such as the fact that I only communicate with you all once a week--and just go on with life, it really isn't that bad. So don't feel too sorry for me. :)

 

Besides, I actually did get a sort of Thanksgiving dinner last Saturday! The XinZhuang ward put together a "Ganenjie huodong" (Thanksgiving activity.)  The advertisement for it mainly came in the form of "Women hui yiqi chi huoji!" (We will eat Turkey together!) Most people have never tried turkey, here! And wow, seeing the turkey come out in the kitchen at the chapel was hilarious. There were dozens and dozens of people crowding around the tables, which had turkey, mashed potatoes, rolls. sweet potatoes (which are very plentiful and amazing, here in Taiwan), gravy, stuffing, and then countless other Taiwanese foods--noodles, vegetable dishes, fishball soup, readbean soup, etc. After the blessing on the food a really loud man yelled, "Wait! Before we eat, we need an announcement on how to eat the turkey! We don't know how!" The turkey was not in turkey form at this point, it was cut and shredded and put on plates. I was thinking, "Um, you just put it in your bowl and eat it, like you do with chicken and pork." But the bishop's wife then proceeded with a demonstration of how you could cut open a roll, put the turkey inside, and poor gravy on top of the turkey for a sandwich. Or you could put all the Thanksgiving food in your bowl and poor gravy over the top of it. Many people opted for this alternative, and had so much gravy in their bowls that it looked just like soup. Probably more people, though, just went straight for the Taiwanese food. It was hilarious. I thought it was so cute.

 

So yeah, it was a little different--eaten with chopsticks from a bowl--but I got a little Thanksgiving dinner! It was actually really good, and it was the homiest thing I have eaten since I left for the MTC. It reminded me so much of Mom's food!

 

As for non-homey things, this week I ate squid (including the tentacles) and octopus balls. (Sort of like octopus sausage. It was very chewy, and bounced off my teeth when I tried to bite it.) I was so proud of myself!

 

This week was a harder one, for me. It's always hard to articulate why. It wasn't exactly that, but it wasn't that, either... Really, when I'm being honest with myself I think whenever I have problems, the root of it is that I am focusing too much on myself. Last week I just crashed with exhaustion, I started asking myself things like, "When do I get a break? I have been working so hard, I think I deserve a break." And as soon as entitlement creeps in, it recasts the world around me into something that cries injustice. The wet narrow streets of Taiwan are no longer full of wonder but are a lonely, trapping landscape. My companion is no longer an interesting friend who I want to serve and get to know better, but someone who has done X,Y, and Z to hurt me. Even those early morning between-sleep thoughts which are sometimes filled with excitement and joy at a new day start to be so heavy and burdensome.

 

And how interesting that sometimes I even take it out on God. It's interesting to think about the ways that I do that. Henry B. Eyring's talk in the last conference explained a really deep philosophical point in religious terms, that I think is so true of me. He talked about the tendency, when there is a pavillion between us and God, for us to think God has forsaken us, is terribly-displeased with us, and if we take it far enough--perhaps that he doesn't even exist. But the cause of the pavillion is never God, it is our own weaknesses, prides, and sins that prevent us from seeing him clearly. I know that for me, the more selfish I am, the more prideful I am, the more I insist that all the ways I am currently making sense of my world are correct and will never change--the less clearly I see his hand in his life. The less I even seek his hand in my life!

 

I am not afraid to admit that doubt creeps up at times, as it did a couple of times this week. Okay, actually sometimes I'm very afraid to admit that but right now I'm feeling brave. I think it's important to admit--because the idea that our current beliefs/view of reality are static and fixed, (i.e. that because I have experienced God and have had a testimony of him in the past, I always will) is an ideology of knowledge that leads us to misunderstand our relationship with God and stop seeking continual light and knowledge from him. I really, really believe that our vision of reality--including our vision of God, and what type of person he is--is dependent on our current moral way of being. And just like selfishness and entitlement can recast my entire world into something that speaks to how I deserve better, turning away from God will of course cast our world into one in which he has a smaller place. We are constantly remaking our worlds with the thoughts and desires we choose to pursue.

 

So is there any right way? Well, I think the answer is in Moroni 7. All of us are given the light of Christ. He tells us to search diligently in the light of Christ. Gosh, I really believe that. I really believe a relationship with God is one of searching, of openness, of seeking out more light, goodness, guidance. I am reading the New Testament right now and one thing that strikes me so much is how often Christ repeats the message, "Ask, seek, knock." This is the answer, I think, to how I can keep my missionary work from being routine, to how all of us can keep life as something new and fresh and full of opportunities rather than as something burdensome, old, fixed, dead. 

 

I am so glad Deanna and grandfather are doing better. I love you all so muh!

A Thousand Years

Remember the Bizzarre Foods show? Well, this week I ate a "thousand-year-old egg", as they are called, which apparently was voted in the top ten most repulsive foods in the world or something. I think mine might have been cooked and seasoned pretty well, though, because it wasn't that bad. I certainly wouldn't eat it for fun, but it was tolerable. The family of a lady in our ward took us to a hot-pot buffet on Saturday night, and the husband basically dared me to eat it. I was like "Okay, why not?" So I did. 

 

I also found out... I ate pig's blood cake and blood tofu on accident. There was a kimchi soup that some member made after church a few weeks ago... I swear, I really did have a strange feeling as I was stirring around its suspcious red contents in my bowl. There were these chunks of dark-grey tofu in it, and a cube of blackish rice. Tasted kind of unappealing but hey, so do a lot of things. Last week, Sister Kang told me what they were. It had been a couple of weeks since I had eaten it, but it still made me gag! Ughhhhhh.... Mary, remember when I almost passed out in Wayment's class because everyone was talking about blood soup?

 

That was the only food though that I think I regret trying. I remember being at Tucano's with my band last summer and I didn't want to eat chicken heart, it was two weird. And everyone was teasing me about all the much weirder things I would eat in Taiwan. I was worried for myself. But ever since coming here, I've had this sudden curiosity and willingness to try whatever I am served, sometimes even ordering strange things for the purpose of trying them out. There is still a long way to go before I eat the chicken feet people bring to ward parties, perhaps, but I am getting there. I'll keep you updated as my resume of strange-foods-eaten expands.

 

So... If anyone wants to write me, I promise you don't need to be scared of sending things to Taiwan. Postage from the states for a normal letter is $1.05. If you address your letter to me and copy down this address it will get to me. This is the mission home address, so it won't change throughout my mission:

 

Floor 4, No. 24, Lane 183
Jin Hua Street, Da-An District, Taipei
Taiwan

 

Hint hint..... Just kidding. :)

 

This week Evonsa was baptized! Evonsa is her english name. Often the english names people choose for themselves are kind of rare and old-fashioned. Sometimes they are not even English--like our friend Xu JieMei, a slightly slow, round, 30 year old lady who loves Americans. She believes firmly in both Jesus and Buddha. She comes to English class religiously, always showing up a few minutes early to give us snacks and to tease us. I love her, and becuase she is so instantly sweet and accepting I don't feel self-conscious about my Chinese around her, which is refreshing. We always have really funny, broken conversations with a lot of sign language and laughter. Anyway, her English name is Kenji, which I am pretty sure is actually a Japanese name.

 

Recommended reading of the week: The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality, by Elder Bednar. It is in the April 2012 Ensign. I was reading it during personal study this week and just kept experiencing this "Yes yes yes yes yes!" through my whole self. He talks about how the grace Christ offers is more than redemption--more than something that neutralizes our sins. It is something that enables and empowers. He says to lay hold on this type of grace, we should be asking not for our circumstances to change, but for us to have the power to change our circumstances. I love this idea and have experienced it in small degrees and want to experience it more. Please look it up! Here, I will do it for you:

 

http://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng

 

My heart is so full of things I want to say. My heart is also so full with all the things you have to say to me. I don't know what challenges you all might be facing every day, and if you see conections to the challenges I face, but every time I share mine I do so because I hope they will relate, and connect. And that we can grow together.

 

I have lately been on a sort of high... I feel so happy to be here, to be able to feel this much love, gratitude, and awe for people and the world around me. Have you ever thought about how each of us at each moment are surrounded by infinity in all directions? How funny that sometimes we think we know a place or a person or a situation, but we will never even really be able to see or grasp the essence of a pen we hold in our hands. The only kind of knowledge that sticks and matters most is the kind that is connected to our souls, our moral centers. I don't know what this pen is but I know by making these strokes on this card I can communicate some meaning to a person who is sick and feeling lost and hopefully inspire a recognition of goodness in them that can make waves in their reality as it has in mine. God is so cool.

 

I am really, really tired. Last night for the first time in a while my high was wearing off, my mood on the edge of collapse, and more than anything I just wanted a nap. A break from Chinese and from having to think all the time. Then on the way home while biking I started singing "How Firm a Foundation", and I found this spurt of strength that wasn't there before. I don't know how you find strength, but remembering Christ, studying his life, and trying to be willing to sacrifice and love as much as he does has really changed my life. I don't know very much, but I think he wants me to really take up this situation I am in, accept it and appreciate it, and do what I feel morally compelled to do. I don't think he wants me to run away from or resent the challenges I face.

I still need a nap! We wake up at 5 to do emails. But hopefully I will catch up on sleep tonight. Haha. Keep praying for me.

 

I love you all! Thanks for the love and support. Take care.

 

Sister Brown

Remembering‏

Dear family and friends,

 

I hope you all had a safe and happy Halloween/Hurricane/Election week. I am assuming I will find out more of what happens with the hurricane aftermath and the election from my English Class students. We hold free English class at the chapel every Wednesday night. I teach the advanced class (because you have to know the least Chinese, since they are all already so good at English.) We always have really interesting discussions about culture, politics, business, history, and things like that. They all watch TV, so they keep me pretty updated on big world events. So big news will always trickle its way down to me.

 

Everything went as usual, this week, which is to say that every day went as unplanned, being full of both serendipity and disappointment. It's funny how much we plan, plan, plan, every night before we go to bed, every morning before we go out, with the ward council on Sundays and with our district at district meetings, but as soon as we leave the front door we are in a world where all our little plans have no inherent place. So we try to fix a small place for them, and sometimes we make an impact here and there but mostly we find things working out not the way we expected, and we learn so much more than we teach. Things always move forward, though, in their very imperfect way. I actually really appreciate the constant state of juxtaposition missionaries are in--of being required to take a firm stance on what change they want to see in the world, but in bringing this change to pass are required to be so flexible.

 

As a very small example, people always ask questions in lessons we didn't think they would ask. One investigator we are teaching, in particular, is really sharp and thoughtful. She is 21, studying Russian at a local university, and her english name is Joanna. I can't really say why, but I love her so much. Every time we leave a lesson, I think "Wow, I kind of wish I could hang out with her." I think she initially started meeting with us out of curiosity; she goes to the free English classes we hold to practice her English (which is very good) and got to know missionaries. But she has really made sincere changes in her life since meeting with us. She loves praying; she really believes God is there. Her prayers are really cute. She prays in English when she is with us and says things like, "Hey God, this is Joanna." And closes saying, "I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I will just talk to you later. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen"

 

But anyway, her lessons really keep us on our toes--whether she's asking us about what God's name is, how our beliefs compare with Muslims, or sometimes things that are really important to think about--like why would she want eternal life? We taught plan of salvation and that was one of her concerns about it. She said she just wanted to live life to the fullest now, but didn't want to live forever. We talked to her about it. She had been through a painful break up recently, which may have had something to do with what she said,which was, "Feeling is just exhausting. I want to be done with feeling."  It had never, ever occurred to me to think that way. Sister Kang and I who have grown up being told the best gift Heavenly Father will give us is eternal life with our families could easily have been like, "She's crazy!" (Crazy is such a helpful thing to call someone when you are scared to take their ideas seriously.) But it just gave both of us a lot to think about it, and we've discussed the idea a lot since then in companion studies and a little bit in our lessons with Joanna. I don't know if she's come to any different conclusions, but it feels at least like there is openness and acceptance on both sides to the others' perspective, which is cool. We have learned a lot, for sure, just from the thinking. Joanna is extremely open to learning about everything, which sets a good example for me.

 

I often think throughout my week about whether I'm happy or not, about whether you all should be "worried" about me or whatever. And the question confuses me. There have been some nights when I am almost giddy with how happy I am to be a missionary. The down times are when I've been irritated at Sister Kang for something trivial but that for some reason is just difficult to purge from my heart. Then I get in a "poor me" attitude and start missing the family and school and my old life.  Both of these extremes are a part of my experience here. But really, life is just rich, and good. It is cool to feel like I am actually doing something with life, not just talking about like I did at school. And really, it just feels right to be close to God. Sometimes that comes in the form of joy, this warmth and goodness and enlightenment that floods me and that I want to give pick up in buckets and splash to the world. And sometimes it comes as a deep, somber humility for my weaknesses and acknowledgment of how undeserving I am of God's forgiveness of me. But feeling like my relationship with him is alive is definitely the best thing ever. I really have to work on having him close to me in my heart all the time, because it is so easy to get distracted and prideful and selfish. I am lucky to have spiritual ups and downs right now that are relatively narrow in oscillation, so that I within a few hours/days recognize when I have relapsed and the recent memory of God's goodness is clear enough to motivate me to pick myself back up. What I really fear is a day when the oscillations are wider, slower, and so deep on the side of far that I forget--I forget what it means to be close to him, to have him breathing through my thoughts and words and muscles. Forgetting is so scary to me because it means my desires will change, and I won't realize this is the goodness I seek.

 

So this is my life! Either this is "happiness", or I'm learning there are more important things than being happy. But I am definitely so grateful I decided to come out here.

 

So, a few people email me every week and I hear about their lives, but I am not sure how it might be going for everyone else. I really pray for you all, and worry about you all. I want you to know that my life in Taiwan is not anything special. It is just real, like all of yours are. All the challenges I have are the same ones you are having. It's all a matter of what we do in our hearts, the details are all that differ. Be strong! I really love you all. And if you are wondering if I remember you, just know that I do.

 

Diana