Quiet Moments

Hello everyone!

 

As usual, thank you for the letters and emails and support I feel from all of you on that side of the world. Friends and family, both. I think I have gotten over the sense of desperation for contact with you all, such that if it doesn't come I am still doing okay, but it is still just so, so nice.

 

Although maybe I'm not over that. This week was interesting. Definltely different from the routine--Sister Kang had a little bike accident last Tuesday night that interrupted our whole weekly schedule. She broke too hard going down a hill and tumbled over her bike, scraping her legs and arms pretty bad, and landing on her back. (The same thing happened to me about a month ago but not as bad--thankfully these were good reminders never to get too comfortable and take for granted all the times we do travel safely.)

 

Anyway, the next morning she could barely sit or stand because her back was hurting so bad, so we spent the whole day in the hopsital. (This is socialized health care for you--we spent quite some time waiting in lines, but in the end her whole check up and the painkillers only cost $20 dollars.) And the next few days she wasn't feeling well enough to go out as much as we normally would. When we did go out, I was basically senior companion. I handled all the little things from the keys to the cell phone to the big things like leading in all the lessons. It was definitely challenging but I really, truly felt like Heavenly Father blessed me with the clarity of mind, the spirit, and the Chinese necessary to do what I need to do.

 

There was a lot more thinking time than usual, this week, since Sister Kang was resting a lot. It didn't seem like I should rest just because she was, so I would wake up at 6:30 as usual, do yoga (so fun--especially now that I have muscles!) and then study the rest of the time. I can't believe I ever felt like ten minutes of scripture study every day was enough. I feel so thirsty, so thirsty for those beloved hours spent in the scriptures and study jounral each morning, and am always wanting to stretch them to last longer. Recently I have been reading the New Testament in conjunction with Jesus the Christ. I also read old conference talks, read sections of the other standard works, and I write a lot in my study journal. Sometimes little notes, sometimes quotes I like, and sometimes entire essays on the things I am learning. Studying is the best thing ever.

 

Anyway, one of theses times when SIster Kang was resting, I was feeling a little lost and purposeless--wanting to do something productive but not being able to. I opened up that book that Mary put together before I left with pictures and goodbye notes from everyone. I started in the back, and read notes from Colby, Tianne, Gabe, Robby, Camille, such good friends I have been blessed with. Then I got to the family section. I saw Bill's picture and started crying and crying. In his note to me he said that I was a good example to him or something like that. Basically he expressed the idea that I was a valuable human being and had made a positive impact on him. Haha. But seriously, it was the most beautiful thing to me. I realized how much I had been needing to hear that--that I was doing an okay job at life.

 

The loneliness of missionary life is very hard but cleansing. Sister Kang and I talk to so many people each day, but the truth is they all live in a very differently-constructed reality than we do. Most people who see us or talk to us each day have no idea what is actually in our hearts, what our lives are actually like. I am sure they have no idea, whenever they talk to us, about what we are actually thinking right then--about how our gospels--these deep, precious ideas and experiences that mean something to us--can bless their lives. They usually think we are students or are getting paid to proselyte. Overcoming this barrier of communication to get ourselves on the same page is often humorous, fun, challenging, rewarding, but certainly lonely. And even between Sister Kang and I, there is a type of loneliness for sure. We are both a bit on the quieter side of personalities. My training experience hasn't been one in which I've been constantly coddled and complimented. It's been one where I have had to take initiative and go and do--even though I have no idea most of the time what I'm doing and usually don't get sufficient feedback on how I am doing. Or perhaps it is that the feedback I do get--"Your Chinese is really getting better" or, "Thanks for taking the lesson in that direction" is just not big enough to cover and confirm all the huge leaps of faith and sacrifice I take each day in my heart.

 

So anyway, reading letters from the family in that book meant so much to me and gave me a sense of peace that I am an okay person.

 

But really, the beauty of this kind of life can't be taken for granted. I cherish so much all these moments of in-my-heart decision-making when literlaly only myself and Heavenly Father know about and will ever know about. I cherish so much the humility I have been able to feel. Those nights when I pray and my thoughts follow the track of I don't know if I have given all I can, I hope I have, maybe I could have done this better or that---and all of a sudden this peace comes to me, because the fact that I am having this struggle in my mind shows that my heart is in the right place. And that he loves me for that. And that love that will grace my heart in some moments  is real and the sweetest thing in the world, especially when its source--Heavnly Father--is the sole witness to all the hurts of my days. All the reasons I need that love.

 

On Saturday we had our first performance for the Christmas program. It was a little rough, musically. We are not all real musicians, and some of us (cough) who once thought we were musicians do find their fingers not moving as smoothly and fluidly as they once did. But the wonderful thing is that Taiwan doesn't care! They think anyone who tries is so amazing, and clap after every performance, even in the chapel! It is really refreshing, to feel like you can play for an audience of people who love you instead of people who will cry in their hearts because you were 1/38th of an inch flat on that high E.

 

To go along with the humility theme; last Saturday at the Christmas program I got in a conversation with an Elder who apparently saw my band "Searching for Celia" perform a long time ago. Probably in our early days. So of course we got to talking about Velour, and music we liked, and then people around us starting being like, "You played in a band? Oh my gosh how cool you are awesome et cetera!" And all of a sudden my head was full of pink puffy clouds and I started thinking, "Yeah.... maybe I am awesome et cetera!" But ithose thoughts tasted as toxic as they were delicious. It made me reflect on how distracted from God and prideful it is easy to become. I am so, so afraid of falling back into that when I get home and losing this clarity of heart that I have right now. It really is a gift to live in a lonely, quiet world where you don't rely on others for approval because you can't--they're not there!

 

I feel like my letters talk so much about myself, and not enough about the wonderful people I get to meet each day. Sorry! This one has been nice because I've been working out a lot of my thoughts. Thanks for being patient with my rambling. Sorry for my crappy English.

 

But here is a story to leave you on. Last night we met with Xu JieMei (JieMei=Sister, Xu is her last name.) She is an older woman--probably in her 50's--who is very strong willed and talkative. She loves SIster Kang and I a lot, always telling us we are like her daughters and bringing us fruit or chocolate every time we meet with her. She is one of our investigators who really gets it, I think. She has been through all of the lessons but doesn't want to commit to getting baptized because she doesn't feel strong enough. She doesn't often come to church because her sons tease her so much about it. She wants to wait until she feels she has the faith to obey all the commandments before she commits. We have been trying to focus our lessons on things we can do to build her faith and her personal relationship with God. Last night, we decided to watch "the Testaments" with her. So we sat in front of the TV in a room in the chapel, drank hot chocolate, and watched Jesus perform miracles and Jacob flirt with Laneah and pillars crush bad guys and all that. Xu Jiemei was glued to the screen, and her reactions were like a little child's--she would jump with surprise at some points and make a little emotional noise that I couldn't tell was a laugh or a cry.  My favorite part was when Christ appeared to Mary Magdalene at the garden tomb, and she cried out in a choked, but excited voice, "Ta you fuhuo le!" (He resurrected!) And at the end she was crying and crying. (So was I.) She kept saying afterwards that Heavnly Father had answered her prayers, and she knew what she needed to do. She gave the most beautiful, heartfelt prayer I have ever heard an investigator give. It was so beautiful to be a part of that.

 

I really love being a missionary. Really.

I love you all so much! Thanks for everything you have all done for me. Take care!

 

Sister Brown