Forgiveness is its own reward‏

Dear everybody,

I hope you are all staying safe and healthy, especially those of you in Utah! Several people told me about the ice and the air quality. It sounds terrible. I think I will officially pronounce myself a baby for occasionally complaining about the weather in Taiwan. It gets cold, but nothing like Utah cold.  I think it just seems like a bigger deal sometimes because it's a very deep, humid type of cold, and because as missionaries we are often outside. But not too often. And we never have to deal with things like ice or snow. Don't feel bad for me!

Sometimes it is difficult to know what to say in these emails because there is just so much to say. I really feel like I understand in the scriptures when the writer says they couldn't write a hundredth part of the things that occurred. My first weeks in the MTC and my first weeks in Taiwan, I was so bursting with things I wanted to tell you all that were new and exciting and interesting to me. But after a while all the missionary dialogue about seeing "miracles", all the square apartment buildings with bird-cage windows, the flavor of Taiwanese Soy Milk and the experience of praying in public places melt into a backdrop of normalcy. They become "just life" stuff. Sometimes it freaks me out, how different life is than how it used to be, what gaps there are between me and you, and how seldom I am aware of them. I know I am different than before and sometimes I feel a pounding urge to define and grasp that difference in order to control my identity. I want to know exactly who I am, what I am doing, and whether what I am doing is right. But it's impossible. First, there isn't time to think about these things because there are people in front of me to be talked to and taken care of. Second, because I have no solid place on which to found my comparison. I can measure myself according to the standards and goals I had before coming on my mission, but I was so much more selfish and silly, back then. I was full of words and not a lot of experience. Words are such deceptive, floaty things! They claim to describe reality as if it is fixed and can be no other way, but they are mere meaningful noises made by beings trying desperately to pretend such a reality exists. 

The only thing that really brings peace is my relationship with Heavenly Father. I don't have words or even mental clarity, at times, to perfectly make sense of everything that fills my life right now. But when I turn to him in honesty and humility, there is this holy joy that comes, that tastes so much sweeter and purer and better than a sense of control. I find a peace more powerful than answers in just trying to grow in his love, and let it guide all my actions every day. And somehow, this just seems like the key to living. There is such a diversity of perspectives and opinions in the world; we can talk forever and use all our words and find new words but never get anywhere. But love, and God--that is real, and that can get you somewhere. Our words and theories about life are most real if they are used not to feed our mind's fruitless craving for stability but to respond compassionately and sensitively to the needs of the people around us. 

Which is why lately it has been hitting me that while articulating life is such a difficult, flawed task, it is something I have a moral obligation to do. I am really thankful, for instance, for centuries of prophets who out of their hearts' wet flesh carved some characters onto stone so that we now can have the scriptures, glowing ideas about how life fit together for them, how they came to know, love, and serve God. Their words certainly weren't perfect enough to seamlessly describe their experiences, but they tried--and have blessed the lives of millions of people as a result. Coming to Christ--to this being of endless, perfect, healing love--is the good of life that all of us should be seeking and seeking to give to others around us. The light of Christ within us is the only thing that can really let us know if all our imperfect attempts at solving life's problems every day are motivated out of love, headed in the right direction. And it's real! That's about all I think I can say about life, at this point in my mission. That the light of Christ is real. 

This probably doesn't make any sense. And in case it isn't clear enough, I am not super great at all this stuff, by any means. But I do believe in it. And to make a long story short, I want to be better at describing my experiences, and so I've decided to share pieces of my journal with you all each week that will hopefully give more concrete pictures of what my days are like. Here is an entry from this past Saturday. 

"MiJiang, our investigator who is scheduled to be baptized in may when she turns 20, came to do a chapel tour with us this afternoon at Jin Hua Jie. Afterwards, she stayed all day at the chapel, sitting on a couch doing homework. She went to dinner with us, and stayed even until we left a bit behind schedule at 8:30, to head back to ShuangHe. As we were stepping off the subway, she said, 'I have something serious to tell you.' It took a while, but eventually we were able to coax it out of her. Yesterday she relapsed, and smoked a cigarette. She turned her face quickly away as soon as she said it, biting her lip, trying not to cry. Sister Duggar and I, thankfully, knew instinctively what the right thing to do was. We put our arms around her and told her we didn't care, it was okay, we still loved her and so does Heavenly Father. She did let a tear reluctantly slip, as she muttered how guilty she felt. We said to her, 'This is why we have the atonement of Jesus Christ'. We didn't discuss it any more than that, but I hope the brief mention of his name combined with our reassurances spoke to her all the things she needed to know,"

Okay, I am going to get going now. I really love you all! How is everyone doing? How are all the Brown family pets doing? Rachel, good luck this week if this is the week! I having been thinking of you a lot this week and will continue to do so! Jeffrey, I hope your birthday went great! 

Could someone get me Abby's MTC address as soon as they know it? 

Glad to hear about Michelle Obama's bangs. Sorry to hear about Mrs. Shwartz's death. 

Have a great week, everyone! 

Diana