Zhu ni shengri kuaile!‏

Dear Family, 

Right now, you are probably all crowded around in Rachel's house. Mom and Mary and Rachel, Doug, Emily, Aya, and Abby crowded around cute Sparrow (who I really want to see a picture of!), talking about the birth or some interesting religious/political issue. Chris, Bill, and Scott are probably watching the superbowl. Dad could be in either group, not sure which. Stephen and Garrett keneng bu zai, they probably have work. Probably the house smells absolutely delicious! With Miami Beach Cake, and maybe... Cafe Rio style food?? Wo bu zhidao, eh. Just my guesses. Meanwhile, Sister Duggar and I are sitting on a cushioned bench in an internet cafe. It is 6 in the morning but this place is full of 20-something year old men who have been hear all night playing World of Warcraft. There is a man snoring very loudly in the cubby of computers next to us, and some Taiwanese pop song is playing on the radio, with a violin-interlude that has those slurry-jump intervals typical of traditional Chinese music. Life is good! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY TWIN SISTER!!! Oh my gosh... We are turning 22... I can't really think about it, too much, it's too weird. t's almost been a year since I got my mission call, and all the time after that was spent preparing for my mission, then being on my mission. I feel almost like the past year didn't happen yet, it's been so totally different from the rest of my life! And the next year will be, too. How odd. 

It has already been a great birthday! Last night we had a fireside in Taipei for new converts and investigators, and somehow a bunch of my old friends (new members/investigators) in XinZhuang remembered it was my birthday this week. They gave me cards, a necklace, and a piece of cake. But mostly it was just so wonderful to see them, and so heart-warming that they were happy to see me and greeted me with hugs and "Women hen xiang ni!" (We miss you so much!) 

It's especially precious because much of my time in XinZhuang I felt like a useless lump who followed Sister Kang around. I can communicate better with all of them now than I ever could then, and yet somehow they still cared about me. Those weeks were so tender, wanting so badly to go and do and be something real to the people around me, but feeling like I couldn't because of my Chinese. I had to (painfully) learn not to use my lack of language ability as an excuse not to engage with and love people. (Jeffrey, this is my advice to you!) I tried to load as much sincerity as I could in whatever I could say, in lessons. I also tried to communicate more with body language, giving hugs and smiling and just trying to be there. You can have a lot of words but not really be there, and you can be there but not really have any words at all. I am coming, with repulsion, to find I sometimes have the opposite problem in ShuangHe that I did in XinZhuang. My Chinese ability is hai bugou (still not enough), but I can get around on my own. I also, for various reasons, have had to be much bolder this transfer in contacting people and inviting them to meet with us, in taking the lead in lessons and navigating our way around the city. I feel like I have learned to be what one the surface looks like a successful missionary. I can do all the things that are "expected" of me. It's really cool to see how far I've come, especially remembering all the leaps of faith and heartfelt effort moments that it took to get here. It's amazing what you can do when you say, "I'm going to try, even though I have no idea what to say/how to get there/how they will respond". 

The dark side is that everything gets easier--and bearing your testimony, striking up conversations with strangers, and even praying can come to be things of routine rather than heart. I am haunted day and night by the question of my own sincerity. I never, ever wanted to be the robot missionary, but I'm finding it is a constant struggle to really be there, in every single moment.  

It was so silly of me to ever think, in my early days on island, that I wasn't a real missionary. My insecurities, my weaknesses, my lack of ability certainly limited what I was able to do in significant ways, but they also served to keep me in a position of continual sincerity and humility, which are the only things that make missionary work real.

How funny and sad it is that I, we, everyone, are always looking forward to that one bright moment in the future when we are just going to "get it"--we'll finally be good at this, or able to emotionally handle that, or have that problem taken care of. We see our weaknesses and the weaknesses in others as things holding us back from this perfect moment, when in reality its all these gaps, deficiencies, and the pain of unanswered questions that are enabling us to "get it", all along the way. Christ said, "If men humble themselves before me I will make weak things become strong unto them." And it is so true. I am learning that this bright moment I am looking forward to isn't as much about actually obtaining perfect wisdom, ability, looks, etc. as about obtaining that state of realizing my weakness before and reliance on God, and having his goodness inspire in me the love-fire necessary to keep going. 

Today, for P-Day/birthday party, we are going to the Taipei zoo with a bunch of other missionaries and the singles in my current ward and some other XinZhuang friends. It should be fun, even though everyone keeps telling me, "Too bad it's a Monday, we won't get to see the Pandas!" And I feel pressure to act like I'm so heartbroken but secretly I don't really care that much... I just like spending time with other people. Sister Briggs planned this day. She was my MTC companion, we are still, somehow, mercifully, best friends. Every time we are at the mission office we put notes of encouragement and inside jokes in each others mailboxes, and we always catch up delightedly whenever we see each other. She even tells me about the really hard things. (Being a missionary, as with being a Mom or Dad or anything else, I imagine, is simultaneously really joyful and painful.)

If anyone wants to send me a birthday present/something I would really appreciate at any time of the year, I would love to be sent a copy of your favorite talk with your personal notes/thoughts on it. Why it touches you, how you make sense of it, what it prompted you to do, anything you don't like about it--dou keyi (anything goes). 

I love you all, so much. Please send me pictures of Sparrow and Rachel and everybody, in fact! Thank you so much for all your love and support! Do not worry about me. Things are hard at times, but I believe in God and that goodness is real.

Sister Brown