ShengDanJie Kauile! (Merry Christmas! Literally: Holy Birth Day Happy)

Dajia Hao.

 

Merry Christmas!!!! This has by far been one of the sweetest, most memorable Christmases of my life. We are taking a shorter time for emails today since both of us are calling home so soon (SO EXCITED!) but I will tell you a little bit about how my Christmas has been.

 

First, the missionary choir was performing all weekend. I have barely been in my area at all, which is actually hard in a lot of ways. I still feel so new to this place and I feel like I haven't quite figured out how to be a missionary in this new area and ward, etc.

But, the missionary choir performances have been so fun. There is such a comraderie among us, and we have basically been getting a tour of all of Northern Taiwan, traveling to all these different places by car, bus, metro, or on foot. Have I mentioned before how much I adore Taiwan? I know I still have a year left but the thought of leaving makes something inside me go cold. There are a lot of difficult things about being a missionary, but I have never been happier in my whole life.

 

Speaking of missions, JEFFREY!!!! Congrats on your mission call!!! I am so excited for you!!!

 

Anyway.

President and Sister Day, I think, are very sensitive to the fact that many of us are spending our first Christmases away from home. Today (Christmas) is a P-Day, (and after P-day ends at 6, we have a baptism--best day ever, right?) And yesterday we had a special zone conference. Before lunch, we had some training. Then we had a huge, home-cooked, American Christmas dinner. Turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes, rolls, salad, fruit... It was so good. After lunch, we had a talent show that was one of the most fun, and also most touching talent shows I have ever been to, for sure. All the missionaries who wanted to find some talent to share could participate. Some people did goofy/entertaining things--like juggling, performing comedy monologues, or solving a rubix cube. I told everyone about the little street performing band I was in a couple summers ago called, "Triforce" where we made money in downtown Salt Lake playing Mario and Zelda music, then I played those on my violin. I didn't play it super well because I had zero time to warm up, but it's funny to think how little I cared! All of us made tons of mistakes, but all it showed was that we have more important things to be doing than practicing instruments and worrying about what people think of us. One of the most touching performances, for me, was a Taiwanese Elder who simply played Sweet Hour of Prayer from the hymn book. So many Americans would feel they would have to do something fancy to merit playing in a talent show, but you could tell he was proud of himself for being able to play just the simple version.

 

Isn't that the way it should be? I have learned so much on my mission that the goodness of things is found in the intention behind it rather than what it is.

Another example--there is an Elder in my mission who has a severe leaning disability. He is a little slow, when you talk to him. But he is absolutely the sweetest person you will ever meet. Several times he has written me notes--and I don't even know him!--encouraging me to keep working hard, or thanking me for playing the violin. He does things like that for everyone. I know his Chinese can't be that great, I know he probably recognizes how much harder things come for him than for other missionaries, but he doesn't seem to let that shame him into not trying.

For the talent show, he sang a song that he wrote in the MTC. It was one extremely out of tune, had horrible rhymes, and borrowed nearly all its lyrics from previously-existing hymns or scriptures, but it was absolutely my favorite performance. He sang about Christ's love for everyone, and how we need to do the same, because "Perfect love casteth out all fear." It moved me so much, thinking about him as a person--his individual challenges and how he deals with them so bravely and cheerfully. Later, he was part of a choir group that sang "The First Noel" on stage, and he started crying while he was singing. I felt the love of Christ so strongly, and I couldn't stop crying either. I never, ever want to forget his example. How silly it is that I complain at times about my own Chinese, about my own insecurities and challenges, the things that hurt me--and I at times use them as excuses to bury myself. Bury my talents in the sand. He is one who perhaps has much less, but does all that he can to be a good person. Wow.

 

I have to go soon, but really quick I want to tell you about my Christmas Eve Dinner! Sister Duggar were so full of Christmas spirit that on our way home last night we decided we wanted to buy dinner from some of the poor people selling street food. I saw a rather old woman huddled up in the cold and looking rather bored and pitiful. She had a wooden box on her little metal food stand. I didn't know what she was selling that she had inside it, but I wanted to buy something from her. So I gave her my 25 kuai and she pulled out of the box one of those pigs-blood rice patties on a stick, which she then preceded to dip in a spicy sauce, then crushed up peanuts and cilantro. She smiled and something in Taiwanese I didn't understand, while I cheerfully took from her absolutely the last thing in the world I wanted to eat for dinner. But it made my day. I loved that lady so much! Haha.

 

Sister Brown

Born that man no more may die

Dear everyone,

 

I feel so sick, right now, having just read about what happened in Connecticut. Such horrible, needless suffering.

I don't have anything more to say about it than that. I just feel sick about it. But it is going to be coloring my thoughts and feelings, as I write this week's email, so I wanted to mention it.

 

Ironically, this was a very beautiful week for me;I had a couple, "I could die happy right now" moments.

The first was last P-Day. For the first time since coming to Taiwan, I left the city and we went to this old village called JiuFen up in the dark green mountains that overlook the coast. The ocean was foggy but so breathtakingly beautiful--and the village! All these old houses tucked into the steep hills, the tour buses winding up such narrow streets in the rain. The JiuFen old street is this little alleyway, completely covered by buildings, that weaves in and out of and underneath them and contains probably hundreds of tiny shops, selling Taiwanese food, snacks, desserts, pottery, toys, musical instruments, clothing--so many unique little things I wish I could show you all. Every once in a while the alley way would have an opening and you could see out to the coast again and the cold sea breath came up to greet our faces. The alley way was absolutely crammed with people, so loud, and the trash of their leftover lunches was overflowing from the garbage bins. But it was the loveliest thing. Apparently this old street was built years ago when Japan had taken over Taiwan, and this community up in the mountains didn't want to go down to the cities, so they built up shops in this little alleyway and sustained themselves up there. It's now a popular tourist spot.

 

I don't know why I loved it so much. I think it was the realization of this incredible place--barely a mile of geographical space but an infinity deep of history and culture--truly existed. It made me have so much appreciation for the beauty and diversity of human life, of the stories God lets us create. It was while we were taking the bus down the mountain and I was looking out at the ocean again that I had the feeling of such overflowing joy. I will have to show you the pictures some day.

 

Move calls were this week. I am officially done with training! (Training is our first 12 weeks on island--basically it just means we have an extra hour of studies every day.) I could barely sleep the couple nights after they told me I was moving. I would have to get to know Taiwan all over again! But really, as soon as I stepped out of the subway station into my new area, and saw the busy city streets--the Mcdonald's across the street, all the cars, all the people--I immediately felt this love for the area come over me.

 

My new area, ShuangHe, is not as ghetto as XinZhuang. XinZhuang was very... industrial. We would pass buildings sometimes and see  rows of women making school uniforms in front of sewing machines, or packaging pasta. Things like that. My new area is much more wealthy. There isn't as much street food, and everything is a bit more expensive. But, it is still the city! And I am totally a city girl, these days. In fact, an elder who has been serving here for a while said that YongHe, part of our area, is the third most densely populated city in the world. I am not sure if that is true. Maybe one of you can look that up for me? I have very little access to information like that.

 

My new companion is Sister Duggar. She is already very very dear to me. It is interesting how so immediately life can change--the challenges and strengths of our companionship are going to be so different from what they were with Sister Kang. I will have to write another time more about her, but even then I don't know how much I can while respecting her privacy. But I do want to say, I really have a testimony after being put with her that these move calls are inspired. I wish I could say all that has happened in the past three days of being with her. But it is too much for words, even if I had them all. Everything that happens to me here feels so, so big.

 

My other "I could die happy" moment came this weekend while performing with the missionary Christmas choir. We have been doing a couple performances each weekend at different wards in the Taipei area. This weekend we had four performances, and next weekend we have five. I play two violin duets with Sister Winters, who is a violin major at BYU. She is amazing! I love playing with her. One of our songs is a medley of "Jesus once was a little child" with "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" and the other is "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem." This weekend, though, we also had to write little duet parts to play on the last verses of "With Wondering Awe" and "Joy to the World". I am so thankful for hours and hours of experience spent jamming with Searching for Celia! They gave us no time to write anything. I was writing in my head/plucking out a part with my thumb while we were sitting waiting for the one-time-through rehearsal to start.

 

This weekend, the choir sang different songs than our normal program because we were part of this big nativity program that the English ward in Taipei puts together every year. Let me explain first: Taipei has a temple square. It is a block in the middle of the city where the temple, a large, 3-floored chapel, a distribution center, and the mission home all sit. It feels like home for all the missionaries, and for many of the members as well, since there are so often activities or firesides held there. There are obviously fewer church members in Taipei than there are in Utah, though, so this temple square is much more close knit and has a feeling of community. All the sisters get turns to be temple square sisters for two days a transfer; we go temple square and teach lessons to people by using all the paintings they have in the chapel. They have paintings of temples, of Book of Mormon scenes, of Joseph Smith and pioneer days; but everyone's favorite hall is the one with pictures depicting many different events in Christ's life. I love teaching there because it's very artistic--you can point out different things the artists did--whether it is an expression on a disciple's face, or the direction Christ's body is oriented, or the distance between a boat and the shore--to teach gospel points.

 

Anyway, all of that is just to say that JinHua Jie, (the street where temple square is) is very precious to me. It's a place where I have felt uplifted by meetings or firesides, energized by seeing other missionaries, enlightened by the spirit. This weekend we had three performances of the nativity, two on Saturday and one of Sunday night. Several hundred people came to each performance. The stage was set up outside, in between the temple and the chapel. There was a lot of time, talent, and money put into this--there were costumes, a real horse for Mary, and three different choirs involved. The reading of the Christmas story was done in both English and Chinese, but all the songs we sang were in English. I have been singing Chinese Christmas hymns for the past month, but singing them in English is a totally different experience. I have a long history of experience and meaning with each word. I can't tell you what joy it was to be singing about Christ in this beautiful place that a year ago I didn't know existed--surrounded by palm trees and apartment buildings. And all these wonderful people in front of us, in the audience, singing of the same beautiful promises in their own language. They are so good, so loving and full of hope. They are so... humble and unrecognized. This topic deserves much more attention than I can give it right now, but do you know they all tend to think everyone in Utah must be so happy since their whole families are members of the church? These are people whose lives have been changed by the simplest of gospel principles.

 

My favorite Christmas hymns are "Once in Royal David's City" and "Hark, the Herald Angel's Sing." I remember singing these in sacrament meeting last year, and trying to hide my tears. I remember singing them in the family room on Christmas Eve. I remember Aya singing in Japanese. I remember all the tension and pain that so often sits in between persons. And I think of Christ and his promises to us. They have proved so true for me on my mission.

Will you read through the words of those songs for me? I want to type them up for you but I don't remember them exactly.

 

There is so much suffering I don't know anything about. Like hearing that your child was shot in their kindergarten class. It is too heavy and huge for understanding.  I don't know anything about that. But I know about some other things. I know about the fears and loneliness that is a part of my life every day, here. Sometimes they seem very huge, as well. But how do I explain how knowing him in my heart allows me to love it all? I have honestly never been happier with life than I am, right now, but I have never been so faced with difficult obstacles. Every day when I get scared I remember that I need to take up my cross and follow him. What does it mean to take up my cross? To me it means to accept and to do what needs to be done. To accept that for whatever reason, I am in Taiwan right now with certain people and certain responsibilities. I don't know what is going to happen when I get home from my mission, or even tomorrow. But I know what I can do today, because if I have a mind and heart oriented toward solving the problems of right now he fills it step by step, line upon line, with answers. To take up my cross is to accept that I can't be with you for Christmas, and all the other things, too, but to go on working because there is love in my heart. To bear suffering the way Christ did. He really is there.

 

I love you all so much. I hope you all have a great week! Merry Christmas!

 

Diana

Rainy Days

Dear Everyone,

 

This was a very rainy, wet, but wonderful week. I think I have seen more rain in Taiwan already than I have in Utah my whole life. And by the way, if you ever get called on a mission to Taiwan and ask people who have been there if it gets cold, and they tell you, "Of course not, it's an island!", DON'T TRUST THEM!!! Especially if they weren't a missionary. Rainy weather takes on a totally different meaning when it's not just something you see out the window--you have to go on a half-hour bike ride through it right now. And even though you have this tarp-like rain suit you put on, your shoes and tights, the bottom of your skirt, and the bangs of your hair sticking out of your helmet will be soaked and damp all day. I come home and change into mercifully dry clothes at the end of the day and stick my poor white feet in front of my space heater. They look like they do after going swimming. haha.

 

But seriously, it's amazing how much I don't care, while we are actually out there in the rain. And in fact, sometimes it's the happiest times. There is a point of surrender at the first stop light when you realize all your attempts to stay dry, warm, and clean-looking have been cancelled out for the rest of the day, but that you love Taiwan anyway. And all the puddles you glide through and the constant downpour of more water than can possibly exist in the world are just cause to laugh. I'm serious. Maybe my energy and adoration for things will wear off after a while, but for right now all the rain's discomforts just add charm and uniqueness to my experience in Taiwan. I think just in general, there is an innocent sweetness that graces all the challenges and discomforts we have every day. A heart that wants to be cheerful and loving can find a lot of surprising things to be cheerful and loving towards.

 

Another of our investigators, Chen Wei Ting got baptized on Friday! Six times, actually, because her hair kept floating up. I felt so bad for her. Several times during lessons with her, she brought up how she really didn't want the water to be cold for her baptism, so we made extra care to check the water heater that day. The Elders told us they had turned it on. But they did it wrong somehow, and it was ice water that filled up the font. She figured it out before the baptism, and we apologized and consoled her by saying, "Don't worry, you will only be there for about a minute, max--it goes really fast." But she was in there for probably over five minutes by the time she was properly baptized. It was cool, though, to see that despite the realization of our empty promise to her she still had this determined look on her face that stayed until it was over.

 

One of the best parts of this week was going on exchanges with Sister Sutton! For those of you who don't know, going on exchanges means you switch companions with missionaries in a neigboring area for 24 hours. They are very educational for interrupting the routines you sometimes get in, and show you how other missionaries work and teach. Sister Nicole Sutton is the person I started talking about approximately two seconds after I read where I was going. I still remember shrieking, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to Nicole's mission!!" We basically have the cutest friendship ever. I got to know her over a year ago when I was the TA for a sociology class she was taking. One night after a review session, we were walking home together (and I later learned that the way we walked was only convenient for me, it was out of the way for her--but she walked with me anyway. She was then and still is, a very thoughtful friend.) And we confessed to each other that we both were thinking of going on missions. We shared with each other why we wanted to go, what our worries about it were, etc. and built each other up. Then a couple of months later she emailed me saying she was going to the Taiwan Taipei mission. My first thought was, "Woah, how exotic! And poor girl, she has to learn to speak Mandarin." And then a few months later I opened my call and read that I was going to the same Taiwan Taipei mission.

 

It was seriously really cool, to be companions with her, and think about how different life is for us now than it was a year ago. Our heads have a lot less sociology and a lot more gospel and Chinese in them than they used to, and our legs are a lot more muscled. Our reality together used to be discussing Marx and Weber in front of white-boards and speculating our futures in front of the Clyde building on BYU campus; but now our reality together involves biking over freeway bridges with dozens of people on scooters, striking up conversations with strangers in a language we barely speak, struggling to decipher the characters on restaurant menus so we can figure out what to eat for lunch. It's really cool to see how life can be so, so different than it was--but you can keep going. You find that you can live without some things (or even some people) you thought you could never live without. And you find joy in things you never thought to have joy in before. It's sobering, because when you love something or someone or some place you want to believe there is no other way to be than close to it/them. But it is inspiring, too, to see how adjustable we are, in the end.

 

Life is really, really good. It is just as hard and nuanced with those tough, crucial moments of having to accept and love people and responsibilities you don't want to accept and love, but the closer I feel to my savior, the more motivation there is to do it. I wish I could say all the reasons why in my heart, but there aren't enough words. Still. Just know I really believe in God.

 

Diana

Lovely Messes

Hello everyone!

 

Thank you so much to those of you who wrote to me! It is so great to hear about your lives and the challenges/opportunities that fill them. Jeffrey, that is so awesome you are finishing up your mission papers! Still not-so-secretly hoping you will come join me in Taiwan. It is going to be so exciting seeing what changes happen because of the missionary ages. All of us are now aware of several 18-year-old boys and 19-year-old sisters who are coming next Spring to our mission. We are all pretty much guaranteed to be trainers because the numbers of incoming sisters are going to increase so much. I'm a bit worried about that experience... I think I definitely make a more mature missionary now than I would have at 19... But everything will work out, we'll deal with things as they come up.

 

This week I experienced my first break up as a missionary. A break up occurs when you have been meeting with an investigator for some time, and then they decide it is not working out. They don't want what you are trying to offer them. So they contact you some way--sometimes on the phone, sometimes in a letter, and sometimes in person--to tell you that they need a break, the timing isn't right, it isn't going where they thought it was going, etc. And we snifffle andrespond with the hurt but understanding, "we respect your decision" and "is there anything we can do to change your mind?" We leave the door open if they ever want to come back. "Moroni's promise is still true, you know..." 

 

It was Joanna that broke up with us. She hadn't seen us in about a month. It was really sad. She started crying and telling us about how things had been so hard in her family--her brother had died and her parents divorced in the past year. She said that usually her life with school and work kept her really busy but during lessons with us she felt she had to slow down and "tcouh things she didn't want to touch". And she felt like the answers she had received from prayer, that maybe she gave those to herself and they weren't really from God after all.

 

I felt super awkward dealing with the whole thing but I tried to do my best. I still feel a bit sad about it. Sad for her; she really is having a hard time with life. At the same time, I am pretty optimistic about God's ability to make really sad things be okay. Also, the whole experience does have a tinge of humor for me because of really how similar it was to a relationship break up.

 

I ate goose liver this week. It was terrible. TERRIBLE. The texture of liver is dense and slimy, and goose has this very strong flavor that I haven't gotten used to yet. The aftertaste was the worst part, though. It came in a sudden wave after I had swallowed--this rancid flavor swelling in my mouth. But, I don't regret trying it.

 

What else happened this week? Just the usual. Biking across town, up hills and down hills to lessons or meetings. Having my mind blown open by studying the scriptures. Trying to figure out how to navigate the inexpressible gaps in communication between me and God, me and my companion, me and investigators. Laughing with Sister Kang. I love her so much. I feel like our friendship has really started growing into something more tangible, lately. Which is sad, because transfers are in two weeks and it is very likely that I will be moving, since I will be technically done with my trainining period (the first 12 weeks of your mission.)

 

Lately I have been thinking about how much I want to treasure every moment in Taiwan as if it is my last day to live. Sometimes I have moments that blow me away with their utter uniqueness and value--like sitting in a rusty blue drink shack off the side of a highway, trying to share Book of Mormon of Mormon scriptures with a family who was slightly drunk. They gave us cans of coca cola because it was the only W.O.W. approved substance they sold, but we just continued clutching them in our cold fingers continue clutching in our laps because we were fasting that day.

 

Or another time, meeting with a very old, curly-haired lady in her video game shop that didn't sell anything newer than a bright yellow gameboy color. She had shelves and shelves of old, dusty nintendo games, action figures, and game systems that were probably cool before I was born. Her shop is in the middle of a very quiet street where it seems only old people hobble around. It's hard to imagine her ever having a single customer. We met with her because an elder in our district insisted she was "golden"--(long story)--but we met with her to find she only knew a little bit of Mandarin. Many old people here only speak Taiwanese, a language more native to this island. She got that we were Christian, though, so she gave us glasses of unsweetened barley tea to sip while she turned on a track of a really dramatic preacher reading from the bible in Taiwanese.

 

I really never want to forget these experiences. There is something so precious about the idea of us young, naive American girls coming in contact with these people in the smallest corners of Taiwan, and trying to communicate. They are precious for so many reasons. In part because a year ago I never, ever had had such experiences and now they fill my days. In part because these people are just so good and valuable--just as valuable as I am. In part because they are metaphors for the struggles of learning, problem-solving, and communication that affect all of us every day. We find ourselvs confronted with things we have never seen before, tasks we don't know how to accomplish. Every day is a foreign country, if we're really keeping our eyes open. But we plow through these challenges anyway because it is the only thing to be done. Our efforts are inevitably imperfect, tainted with our own weaknesses and short-sighted understanding, but when we decide to just dive in and deal with it we find things get done anyway. Or if they don't get done, at least we tried!

 

One of the coolest things I've learned from being on a mission is that if you try, things will get done, even if you don't think you are capable of trying. There have been so many moments  when I've been pushed to have to talk to people, to teach lessons, to express ideas that at the outset I literally feel I have no ability to do. Sister Kang will hand me the phone to handle a certain call, or I will be put in a room alone with an investigator because my companion has to teach someone else. And while inside I'm screaming, "No, you don't get it, I REALLY don't know how to say that in Chinese!" or "Don't you remember I've only been in Taiwan for a few weeks?" I also realize that the seconds are mounting up, and I have to open my mouth. So I do it. There's no time to think too hard or to plan. And whatever happens, happens, and you just deal with that as it comes up.

 

But it's really cool. I have found I have been able to do things I literally thought I was incapable of doing. I have learned that there really isn't any time to wait and plan what a perfect missionary would do and then do it. There is no such thing as a perfect missionary, or perfect missionary work. Every word and movement is colored with our imperfections and our current state of being. But rather than those indicating some grave deficiency, even those--strangely and beautifully--have a place in the task of getting things done. For example, sometimes I think people say yes, they will meet with us, because they get that my Chinese isn't strong enough to understand any excuse they try to give me.

 

I don't know. It's all just really cool. And I like thinking about how God knows all this--he is so much more aware of how little we know what we are doing than we ourselves are. But he is obviously okay with that fact. He is obviously okay with people even younger than us doing this same work. He knows we are going to make messes but he is okay with that. It seems like maybe we learn more from just dealing with the messes the best we know how in the moment than sitting back, talking about the messes and hating them so bad that we make ourselves miserable.

 

Okay, got to go. Love you all!

 

Diana

Quiet Moments

Hello everyone!

 

As usual, thank you for the letters and emails and support I feel from all of you on that side of the world. Friends and family, both. I think I have gotten over the sense of desperation for contact with you all, such that if it doesn't come I am still doing okay, but it is still just so, so nice.

 

Although maybe I'm not over that. This week was interesting. Definltely different from the routine--Sister Kang had a little bike accident last Tuesday night that interrupted our whole weekly schedule. She broke too hard going down a hill and tumbled over her bike, scraping her legs and arms pretty bad, and landing on her back. (The same thing happened to me about a month ago but not as bad--thankfully these were good reminders never to get too comfortable and take for granted all the times we do travel safely.)

 

Anyway, the next morning she could barely sit or stand because her back was hurting so bad, so we spent the whole day in the hopsital. (This is socialized health care for you--we spent quite some time waiting in lines, but in the end her whole check up and the painkillers only cost $20 dollars.) And the next few days she wasn't feeling well enough to go out as much as we normally would. When we did go out, I was basically senior companion. I handled all the little things from the keys to the cell phone to the big things like leading in all the lessons. It was definitely challenging but I really, truly felt like Heavenly Father blessed me with the clarity of mind, the spirit, and the Chinese necessary to do what I need to do.

 

There was a lot more thinking time than usual, this week, since Sister Kang was resting a lot. It didn't seem like I should rest just because she was, so I would wake up at 6:30 as usual, do yoga (so fun--especially now that I have muscles!) and then study the rest of the time. I can't believe I ever felt like ten minutes of scripture study every day was enough. I feel so thirsty, so thirsty for those beloved hours spent in the scriptures and study jounral each morning, and am always wanting to stretch them to last longer. Recently I have been reading the New Testament in conjunction with Jesus the Christ. I also read old conference talks, read sections of the other standard works, and I write a lot in my study journal. Sometimes little notes, sometimes quotes I like, and sometimes entire essays on the things I am learning. Studying is the best thing ever.

 

Anyway, one of theses times when SIster Kang was resting, I was feeling a little lost and purposeless--wanting to do something productive but not being able to. I opened up that book that Mary put together before I left with pictures and goodbye notes from everyone. I started in the back, and read notes from Colby, Tianne, Gabe, Robby, Camille, such good friends I have been blessed with. Then I got to the family section. I saw Bill's picture and started crying and crying. In his note to me he said that I was a good example to him or something like that. Basically he expressed the idea that I was a valuable human being and had made a positive impact on him. Haha. But seriously, it was the most beautiful thing to me. I realized how much I had been needing to hear that--that I was doing an okay job at life.

 

The loneliness of missionary life is very hard but cleansing. Sister Kang and I talk to so many people each day, but the truth is they all live in a very differently-constructed reality than we do. Most people who see us or talk to us each day have no idea what is actually in our hearts, what our lives are actually like. I am sure they have no idea, whenever they talk to us, about what we are actually thinking right then--about how our gospels--these deep, precious ideas and experiences that mean something to us--can bless their lives. They usually think we are students or are getting paid to proselyte. Overcoming this barrier of communication to get ourselves on the same page is often humorous, fun, challenging, rewarding, but certainly lonely. And even between Sister Kang and I, there is a type of loneliness for sure. We are both a bit on the quieter side of personalities. My training experience hasn't been one in which I've been constantly coddled and complimented. It's been one where I have had to take initiative and go and do--even though I have no idea most of the time what I'm doing and usually don't get sufficient feedback on how I am doing. Or perhaps it is that the feedback I do get--"Your Chinese is really getting better" or, "Thanks for taking the lesson in that direction" is just not big enough to cover and confirm all the huge leaps of faith and sacrifice I take each day in my heart.

 

So anyway, reading letters from the family in that book meant so much to me and gave me a sense of peace that I am an okay person.

 

But really, the beauty of this kind of life can't be taken for granted. I cherish so much all these moments of in-my-heart decision-making when literlaly only myself and Heavenly Father know about and will ever know about. I cherish so much the humility I have been able to feel. Those nights when I pray and my thoughts follow the track of I don't know if I have given all I can, I hope I have, maybe I could have done this better or that---and all of a sudden this peace comes to me, because the fact that I am having this struggle in my mind shows that my heart is in the right place. And that he loves me for that. And that love that will grace my heart in some moments  is real and the sweetest thing in the world, especially when its source--Heavnly Father--is the sole witness to all the hurts of my days. All the reasons I need that love.

 

On Saturday we had our first performance for the Christmas program. It was a little rough, musically. We are not all real musicians, and some of us (cough) who once thought we were musicians do find their fingers not moving as smoothly and fluidly as they once did. But the wonderful thing is that Taiwan doesn't care! They think anyone who tries is so amazing, and clap after every performance, even in the chapel! It is really refreshing, to feel like you can play for an audience of people who love you instead of people who will cry in their hearts because you were 1/38th of an inch flat on that high E.

 

To go along with the humility theme; last Saturday at the Christmas program I got in a conversation with an Elder who apparently saw my band "Searching for Celia" perform a long time ago. Probably in our early days. So of course we got to talking about Velour, and music we liked, and then people around us starting being like, "You played in a band? Oh my gosh how cool you are awesome et cetera!" And all of a sudden my head was full of pink puffy clouds and I started thinking, "Yeah.... maybe I am awesome et cetera!" But ithose thoughts tasted as toxic as they were delicious. It made me reflect on how distracted from God and prideful it is easy to become. I am so, so afraid of falling back into that when I get home and losing this clarity of heart that I have right now. It really is a gift to live in a lonely, quiet world where you don't rely on others for approval because you can't--they're not there!

 

I feel like my letters talk so much about myself, and not enough about the wonderful people I get to meet each day. Sorry! This one has been nice because I've been working out a lot of my thoughts. Thanks for being patient with my rambling. Sorry for my crappy English.

 

But here is a story to leave you on. Last night we met with Xu JieMei (JieMei=Sister, Xu is her last name.) She is an older woman--probably in her 50's--who is very strong willed and talkative. She loves SIster Kang and I a lot, always telling us we are like her daughters and bringing us fruit or chocolate every time we meet with her. She is one of our investigators who really gets it, I think. She has been through all of the lessons but doesn't want to commit to getting baptized because she doesn't feel strong enough. She doesn't often come to church because her sons tease her so much about it. She wants to wait until she feels she has the faith to obey all the commandments before she commits. We have been trying to focus our lessons on things we can do to build her faith and her personal relationship with God. Last night, we decided to watch "the Testaments" with her. So we sat in front of the TV in a room in the chapel, drank hot chocolate, and watched Jesus perform miracles and Jacob flirt with Laneah and pillars crush bad guys and all that. Xu Jiemei was glued to the screen, and her reactions were like a little child's--she would jump with surprise at some points and make a little emotional noise that I couldn't tell was a laugh or a cry.  My favorite part was when Christ appeared to Mary Magdalene at the garden tomb, and she cried out in a choked, but excited voice, "Ta you fuhuo le!" (He resurrected!) And at the end she was crying and crying. (So was I.) She kept saying afterwards that Heavnly Father had answered her prayers, and she knew what she needed to do. She gave the most beautiful, heartfelt prayer I have ever heard an investigator give. It was so beautiful to be a part of that.

 

I really love being a missionary. Really.

I love you all so much! Thanks for everything you have all done for me. Take care!

 

Sister Brown

Ganen! (Gratitute)‏

Hello everyone!

 

Thank you so much to everyone who wrote to me! Including cousin Heather--your letter came in the mail just at the time I needed it. Thank you so much.

 

All of you will be together with family having Thanksgiving this week, I assume! How lucky. I really miss you all, and the connections and convesrations I had with family and friends back home that I sometimes crave for out here. But if there is anything I have learned, it is that you can really get used to anything. And if I choose to just accept my situation--such as the fact that I only communicate with you all once a week--and just go on with life, it really isn't that bad. So don't feel too sorry for me. :)

 

Besides, I actually did get a sort of Thanksgiving dinner last Saturday! The XinZhuang ward put together a "Ganenjie huodong" (Thanksgiving activity.)  The advertisement for it mainly came in the form of "Women hui yiqi chi huoji!" (We will eat Turkey together!) Most people have never tried turkey, here! And wow, seeing the turkey come out in the kitchen at the chapel was hilarious. There were dozens and dozens of people crowding around the tables, which had turkey, mashed potatoes, rolls. sweet potatoes (which are very plentiful and amazing, here in Taiwan), gravy, stuffing, and then countless other Taiwanese foods--noodles, vegetable dishes, fishball soup, readbean soup, etc. After the blessing on the food a really loud man yelled, "Wait! Before we eat, we need an announcement on how to eat the turkey! We don't know how!" The turkey was not in turkey form at this point, it was cut and shredded and put on plates. I was thinking, "Um, you just put it in your bowl and eat it, like you do with chicken and pork." But the bishop's wife then proceeded with a demonstration of how you could cut open a roll, put the turkey inside, and poor gravy on top of the turkey for a sandwich. Or you could put all the Thanksgiving food in your bowl and poor gravy over the top of it. Many people opted for this alternative, and had so much gravy in their bowls that it looked just like soup. Probably more people, though, just went straight for the Taiwanese food. It was hilarious. I thought it was so cute.

 

So yeah, it was a little different--eaten with chopsticks from a bowl--but I got a little Thanksgiving dinner! It was actually really good, and it was the homiest thing I have eaten since I left for the MTC. It reminded me so much of Mom's food!

 

As for non-homey things, this week I ate squid (including the tentacles) and octopus balls. (Sort of like octopus sausage. It was very chewy, and bounced off my teeth when I tried to bite it.) I was so proud of myself!

 

This week was a harder one, for me. It's always hard to articulate why. It wasn't exactly that, but it wasn't that, either... Really, when I'm being honest with myself I think whenever I have problems, the root of it is that I am focusing too much on myself. Last week I just crashed with exhaustion, I started asking myself things like, "When do I get a break? I have been working so hard, I think I deserve a break." And as soon as entitlement creeps in, it recasts the world around me into something that cries injustice. The wet narrow streets of Taiwan are no longer full of wonder but are a lonely, trapping landscape. My companion is no longer an interesting friend who I want to serve and get to know better, but someone who has done X,Y, and Z to hurt me. Even those early morning between-sleep thoughts which are sometimes filled with excitement and joy at a new day start to be so heavy and burdensome.

 

And how interesting that sometimes I even take it out on God. It's interesting to think about the ways that I do that. Henry B. Eyring's talk in the last conference explained a really deep philosophical point in religious terms, that I think is so true of me. He talked about the tendency, when there is a pavillion between us and God, for us to think God has forsaken us, is terribly-displeased with us, and if we take it far enough--perhaps that he doesn't even exist. But the cause of the pavillion is never God, it is our own weaknesses, prides, and sins that prevent us from seeing him clearly. I know that for me, the more selfish I am, the more prideful I am, the more I insist that all the ways I am currently making sense of my world are correct and will never change--the less clearly I see his hand in his life. The less I even seek his hand in my life!

 

I am not afraid to admit that doubt creeps up at times, as it did a couple of times this week. Okay, actually sometimes I'm very afraid to admit that but right now I'm feeling brave. I think it's important to admit--because the idea that our current beliefs/view of reality are static and fixed, (i.e. that because I have experienced God and have had a testimony of him in the past, I always will) is an ideology of knowledge that leads us to misunderstand our relationship with God and stop seeking continual light and knowledge from him. I really, really believe that our vision of reality--including our vision of God, and what type of person he is--is dependent on our current moral way of being. And just like selfishness and entitlement can recast my entire world into something that speaks to how I deserve better, turning away from God will of course cast our world into one in which he has a smaller place. We are constantly remaking our worlds with the thoughts and desires we choose to pursue.

 

So is there any right way? Well, I think the answer is in Moroni 7. All of us are given the light of Christ. He tells us to search diligently in the light of Christ. Gosh, I really believe that. I really believe a relationship with God is one of searching, of openness, of seeking out more light, goodness, guidance. I am reading the New Testament right now and one thing that strikes me so much is how often Christ repeats the message, "Ask, seek, knock." This is the answer, I think, to how I can keep my missionary work from being routine, to how all of us can keep life as something new and fresh and full of opportunities rather than as something burdensome, old, fixed, dead. 

 

I am so glad Deanna and grandfather are doing better. I love you all so muh!

A Thousand Years

Remember the Bizzarre Foods show? Well, this week I ate a "thousand-year-old egg", as they are called, which apparently was voted in the top ten most repulsive foods in the world or something. I think mine might have been cooked and seasoned pretty well, though, because it wasn't that bad. I certainly wouldn't eat it for fun, but it was tolerable. The family of a lady in our ward took us to a hot-pot buffet on Saturday night, and the husband basically dared me to eat it. I was like "Okay, why not?" So I did. 

 

I also found out... I ate pig's blood cake and blood tofu on accident. There was a kimchi soup that some member made after church a few weeks ago... I swear, I really did have a strange feeling as I was stirring around its suspcious red contents in my bowl. There were these chunks of dark-grey tofu in it, and a cube of blackish rice. Tasted kind of unappealing but hey, so do a lot of things. Last week, Sister Kang told me what they were. It had been a couple of weeks since I had eaten it, but it still made me gag! Ughhhhhh.... Mary, remember when I almost passed out in Wayment's class because everyone was talking about blood soup?

 

That was the only food though that I think I regret trying. I remember being at Tucano's with my band last summer and I didn't want to eat chicken heart, it was two weird. And everyone was teasing me about all the much weirder things I would eat in Taiwan. I was worried for myself. But ever since coming here, I've had this sudden curiosity and willingness to try whatever I am served, sometimes even ordering strange things for the purpose of trying them out. There is still a long way to go before I eat the chicken feet people bring to ward parties, perhaps, but I am getting there. I'll keep you updated as my resume of strange-foods-eaten expands.

 

So... If anyone wants to write me, I promise you don't need to be scared of sending things to Taiwan. Postage from the states for a normal letter is $1.05. If you address your letter to me and copy down this address it will get to me. This is the mission home address, so it won't change throughout my mission:

 

Floor 4, No. 24, Lane 183
Jin Hua Street, Da-An District, Taipei
Taiwan

 

Hint hint..... Just kidding. :)

 

This week Evonsa was baptized! Evonsa is her english name. Often the english names people choose for themselves are kind of rare and old-fashioned. Sometimes they are not even English--like our friend Xu JieMei, a slightly slow, round, 30 year old lady who loves Americans. She believes firmly in both Jesus and Buddha. She comes to English class religiously, always showing up a few minutes early to give us snacks and to tease us. I love her, and becuase she is so instantly sweet and accepting I don't feel self-conscious about my Chinese around her, which is refreshing. We always have really funny, broken conversations with a lot of sign language and laughter. Anyway, her English name is Kenji, which I am pretty sure is actually a Japanese name.

 

Recommended reading of the week: The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality, by Elder Bednar. It is in the April 2012 Ensign. I was reading it during personal study this week and just kept experiencing this "Yes yes yes yes yes!" through my whole self. He talks about how the grace Christ offers is more than redemption--more than something that neutralizes our sins. It is something that enables and empowers. He says to lay hold on this type of grace, we should be asking not for our circumstances to change, but for us to have the power to change our circumstances. I love this idea and have experienced it in small degrees and want to experience it more. Please look it up! Here, I will do it for you:

 

http://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng

 

My heart is so full of things I want to say. My heart is also so full with all the things you have to say to me. I don't know what challenges you all might be facing every day, and if you see conections to the challenges I face, but every time I share mine I do so because I hope they will relate, and connect. And that we can grow together.

 

I have lately been on a sort of high... I feel so happy to be here, to be able to feel this much love, gratitude, and awe for people and the world around me. Have you ever thought about how each of us at each moment are surrounded by infinity in all directions? How funny that sometimes we think we know a place or a person or a situation, but we will never even really be able to see or grasp the essence of a pen we hold in our hands. The only kind of knowledge that sticks and matters most is the kind that is connected to our souls, our moral centers. I don't know what this pen is but I know by making these strokes on this card I can communicate some meaning to a person who is sick and feeling lost and hopefully inspire a recognition of goodness in them that can make waves in their reality as it has in mine. God is so cool.

 

I am really, really tired. Last night for the first time in a while my high was wearing off, my mood on the edge of collapse, and more than anything I just wanted a nap. A break from Chinese and from having to think all the time. Then on the way home while biking I started singing "How Firm a Foundation", and I found this spurt of strength that wasn't there before. I don't know how you find strength, but remembering Christ, studying his life, and trying to be willing to sacrifice and love as much as he does has really changed my life. I don't know very much, but I think he wants me to really take up this situation I am in, accept it and appreciate it, and do what I feel morally compelled to do. I don't think he wants me to run away from or resent the challenges I face.

I still need a nap! We wake up at 5 to do emails. But hopefully I will catch up on sleep tonight. Haha. Keep praying for me.

 

I love you all! Thanks for the love and support. Take care.

 

Sister Brown

Remembering‏

Dear family and friends,

 

I hope you all had a safe and happy Halloween/Hurricane/Election week. I am assuming I will find out more of what happens with the hurricane aftermath and the election from my English Class students. We hold free English class at the chapel every Wednesday night. I teach the advanced class (because you have to know the least Chinese, since they are all already so good at English.) We always have really interesting discussions about culture, politics, business, history, and things like that. They all watch TV, so they keep me pretty updated on big world events. So big news will always trickle its way down to me.

 

Everything went as usual, this week, which is to say that every day went as unplanned, being full of both serendipity and disappointment. It's funny how much we plan, plan, plan, every night before we go to bed, every morning before we go out, with the ward council on Sundays and with our district at district meetings, but as soon as we leave the front door we are in a world where all our little plans have no inherent place. So we try to fix a small place for them, and sometimes we make an impact here and there but mostly we find things working out not the way we expected, and we learn so much more than we teach. Things always move forward, though, in their very imperfect way. I actually really appreciate the constant state of juxtaposition missionaries are in--of being required to take a firm stance on what change they want to see in the world, but in bringing this change to pass are required to be so flexible.

 

As a very small example, people always ask questions in lessons we didn't think they would ask. One investigator we are teaching, in particular, is really sharp and thoughtful. She is 21, studying Russian at a local university, and her english name is Joanna. I can't really say why, but I love her so much. Every time we leave a lesson, I think "Wow, I kind of wish I could hang out with her." I think she initially started meeting with us out of curiosity; she goes to the free English classes we hold to practice her English (which is very good) and got to know missionaries. But she has really made sincere changes in her life since meeting with us. She loves praying; she really believes God is there. Her prayers are really cute. She prays in English when she is with us and says things like, "Hey God, this is Joanna." And closes saying, "I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I will just talk to you later. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen"

 

But anyway, her lessons really keep us on our toes--whether she's asking us about what God's name is, how our beliefs compare with Muslims, or sometimes things that are really important to think about--like why would she want eternal life? We taught plan of salvation and that was one of her concerns about it. She said she just wanted to live life to the fullest now, but didn't want to live forever. We talked to her about it. She had been through a painful break up recently, which may have had something to do with what she said,which was, "Feeling is just exhausting. I want to be done with feeling."  It had never, ever occurred to me to think that way. Sister Kang and I who have grown up being told the best gift Heavenly Father will give us is eternal life with our families could easily have been like, "She's crazy!" (Crazy is such a helpful thing to call someone when you are scared to take their ideas seriously.) But it just gave both of us a lot to think about it, and we've discussed the idea a lot since then in companion studies and a little bit in our lessons with Joanna. I don't know if she's come to any different conclusions, but it feels at least like there is openness and acceptance on both sides to the others' perspective, which is cool. We have learned a lot, for sure, just from the thinking. Joanna is extremely open to learning about everything, which sets a good example for me.

 

I often think throughout my week about whether I'm happy or not, about whether you all should be "worried" about me or whatever. And the question confuses me. There have been some nights when I am almost giddy with how happy I am to be a missionary. The down times are when I've been irritated at Sister Kang for something trivial but that for some reason is just difficult to purge from my heart. Then I get in a "poor me" attitude and start missing the family and school and my old life.  Both of these extremes are a part of my experience here. But really, life is just rich, and good. It is cool to feel like I am actually doing something with life, not just talking about like I did at school. And really, it just feels right to be close to God. Sometimes that comes in the form of joy, this warmth and goodness and enlightenment that floods me and that I want to give pick up in buckets and splash to the world. And sometimes it comes as a deep, somber humility for my weaknesses and acknowledgment of how undeserving I am of God's forgiveness of me. But feeling like my relationship with him is alive is definitely the best thing ever. I really have to work on having him close to me in my heart all the time, because it is so easy to get distracted and prideful and selfish. I am lucky to have spiritual ups and downs right now that are relatively narrow in oscillation, so that I within a few hours/days recognize when I have relapsed and the recent memory of God's goodness is clear enough to motivate me to pick myself back up. What I really fear is a day when the oscillations are wider, slower, and so deep on the side of far that I forget--I forget what it means to be close to him, to have him breathing through my thoughts and words and muscles. Forgetting is so scary to me because it means my desires will change, and I won't realize this is the goodness I seek.

 

So this is my life! Either this is "happiness", or I'm learning there are more important things than being happy. But I am definitely so grateful I decided to come out here.

 

So, a few people email me every week and I hear about their lives, but I am not sure how it might be going for everyone else. I really pray for you all, and worry about you all. I want you to know that my life in Taiwan is not anything special. It is just real, like all of yours are. All the challenges I have are the same ones you are having. It's all a matter of what we do in our hearts, the details are all that differ. Be strong! I really love you all. And if you are wondering if I remember you, just know that I do.

 

Diana

Ahh... Nimen hen xingku!!‏

Hello everyone!

 

Thank you for the emails and support! Congratulations to Natalie and John-Mark!! Official lawyers! That is so exciting! I met a lady on the metro this week who is an assistant to a judge, and I told her about you two. My condolences to the West Virginia football team. Garrett, how was California? I am jealous I didn't get to be at the Halloween party. Mom described all the costumes and food very thoroughly. I can't wait to see pictures!

 

This weekend we had two baptisms. One was a 15 year old who had been coming to church with her friends; she is really shy and was so nervous, but went through with it all. The other was a lady in her 40's or 50's who is was very sincere and serious about her decision--she was praying all day in church and wiping tears from her eyes as she sat through the service.

 

I got to play violin for the older lady's baptism. I just put together a short medley of I am a Child of God and Families can be Together Forever. (Those are some of the only hymns our investigators might have recognized, since they are simple ones that we sing as we start lessons.) People here generally do not treat musical numbers the way people do in the states states. A couple people started singing along as I played, and they clapped at the end. I thought it was really cute.

 

I am going to be getting lots of opportunities to play. My mission president is putting together a risky, but in-my-opinion awesome program for the Christmas season. He picked six sister and six elder companionships to form a traveling missionary choir/instrumental group. We are going to be putting together a 45-minute Christmas program of music for wards in the Taipei area to use as a Christmas party/fireside. The idea is that they can invite investigators, their families, friends, etc. to a place where they can learn about Christ and feel the spirit. Afterwards there will be food and opportunities to meet missionaries. I am so excited about it! Music is so wonderful, and so is the message of the Christmas hymns. It will definitlely cut into work in our individual areas quite a bit, though. Mom, I was looking at the proposed schedule and had flashback of Pizzicato Strings! How funny I can be a missionary in Taiwan and yet my life hasn't changed that much. Starting the second to last weekend of November, he wants us to be performing every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night until the end of December. When you consider travel time in addition to the time of the program, that will probably be about 12 hours a week of some of the most convenient times for investigators and members to meet with us. But President Day really hopes the advantages will outweigh the costs. If it goes well, he might put together a program for Easter as well. Hooray for innovative missionary work!

 

This week I feel like mentioning some of the things I've learned about having a companion. It is such an interesting, rewarding challenge. IIt's not quite like a roommate because you don't just live together--you have to work really closely together every day. During companion study we share insights with each other from personal study, and then we plan lessons. All day we are together, talking to people, trying to express ourselves, all of which are opportunities for our visions of the world--how it should be, what we are aiming for--to manifest themselves. This can sometimes be painful and confusing, as it can be for all people who ever find themselves working one on one with a person who is different from them. (I.E., all of us every day.) I definitely don't want to be so arrogant as to assume I am the only one who occassionally feels misunderstood, lonely in my own thoughts, jaded and depressed at the blindness of the world to the fact that I have obtained enlightenment and know the truth all things. (Kidding, but seriously don't we all act that way sometimes? I know I do.)

 

One thing I have really learned the past couple weeks is that when little offenses or misunderstandings come up, to stay calm, let the moment pass, and keep an open, loving heart towards my companion. This isn't because I'm trying to be a martyr. It's because I always, always have a different perspective on the situation an hour later--both emotionally and logically. Whatever tiny thing that seemed a cruel injustice at the time later while we are laughing together, biking down a hill, seems totally silly. The emotional, moral and logical sides of it are inseparable. I have found if I bring up the offense at the time and try to win my case against her, I end up being way more focused on my need to be right than our need to resolve the situation. I can't see the situation clearly, because my pride is so wound up in things. And I can't see HER, at all--whatever hurts she might similarly be facing. Only little, lonely me.

 

Sometimes there really are consistent patterns of thinking and behavior that are difficult to deal with. Things that keep coming back up. Sister Kang is seriously amazing; she is so peaceful, hard-working, and strong in the face of challenging tasks.  But sometimes I find myself in complicated, confusing situations because of the different perspectives we have on the gospel. She is a very practical, stick to the rules, the schedule, the definition type of person and I am a I am totally not. I don't even know what I am, but I don't think I am that. I am totally not perfect at knowing how to respond, but I have found there is just this quiet grace that comes from accepting and loving her. Even though sometimes the way she chooses to do/think about things challenges the vision I have for the way the world should be. I wish I could express it. And I wish I could do it as well as I want to.

 

I am struck every day while reading the scriptures with the importance of love and sincerity towards God and towards the people around us the only true way to live. And yet how often I ironically use those same words to accuse other people I see who aren't doing it! Resenting/refusing to love others for not being able to love what I want them to love... Such hypocrisy, but it is the irony that eats its way into my life every day. I know it will be something I deal with for the rest of my life, as we all will. But I take hope, and I hope all of you similarly can, by knowing that I have at times felt able to pause its persistent chomping--enough to sit for a few somber moments in the peace and quiet of acceptance. The fact that I can't change the way others are but that they are good and worthy of being loved, anyway. The realization that the only real response to difference is compassion--sometimes heavy, lonely, burdensome compassion--for the fact that there is goodness to be had that isn't believed in, wanted, or accepted. (Again, I know that is really arrogant of me to assume I know what this "goodness" is, but it describes how I feel.) I think this is the kind of suffering that the atonement was made of. The ability to comprehend the potential, worth, and goodness of every human soul and simultaneously  accept the fact that none of us will never be fully open to it.

 

Resentment is just never, never the answer. I wish I were better at remembering this all the time.

 

Love you all!

Hello!

This week was so full! I never know where to start with these.

 

This week I have been thinking a lot about conversations I have had with Rachel and Jon about shame. There are so, so many times throughout each day when I feel clumsy and embarrassed. I'm at a stoplight and can't get my foot on my bike pedal fast or smoothly enough so people behind me have to wait, and watch me flail. I totally butcher the order words should go in and have to watch the person's blank face, wondering what on earth I was trying to say. Or I try to say what I feel about God and the person I'm talking to gets that holding-back-a-laugh, knowing smirk on their face. These are just snapshots of my broad experience of being thrown into a culture and language where I don't know how to get around--how to walk or how to talk. It's like being a helpless baby!

 

But you just keep going! It is really freeing to just stop caring about how imperfect and incompetent I am, and plow through to do what needs to be done. I feel grateful to be able to cast off a lot of the burden of shame, although it's a work still in the process. And I really feel grateful for the closeness with which I get to work with God, right now. I have never felt so personaly, and intimately tutored by him as I have on my mission. You know what I said last week about sincerity? How interesting it is that in the same week I also learn that despite all my good, noble intentions, there is so much of me that still needs refining. It's the process of a life time, to develop a true single-minded sincerity and love. I feel like I came out on a mission with good intentions, for sure, but everyday I am smacked with experiences that question that. "Yes, you wanted to serve people, but did you want to do it in this way?" "Yes, you believe in me, but do you even believe when this hapens?" It seems so silly to me right now that sometimes we classify people as having good or bad intentions, and sorting their actions accoridngly, as if this were a clean, doable process. The human soul is such a complicated mess! I believe in this gospel, I really do--but God is teaching me every day what that means, and I am constantly refining and growing in this.

 

Chinese is going a bit better than I want to admit to myself, at times. This past week was full of a lot of breakthrough moments. I still can't understand everything people say, but I can get by in lessons and street contacts without Sister Kang, if I have to. (Although she definitely makes things more smooth, less clumsy and awkward.) Last night, I participated in a whole conversation between me, my temporary companion Sister Finch (I am on exchanges), and an investigator about menstruation! Here, women talk about their periods by saying "Wo de hao pengyou lai le" (My good friend came). We talked about which days are the worst for us, how long it lasts, etc. haha. It was so great! I also told them that since coming to Taiwan my body seems to be doing what Mom's did to hers on her mission. I don't mind at all, except that it means Natalie's major coupon-coo at Walgreens a couple nights before I left has lost a bit of it's meaning. Sorry if this is TMI! But the conversation made me so happy! Haha.

 

I am trying to learn characters. Everyone in the MTC told us they weren't important to focus on, that we should just learn to speak. That is true--speaking is definitely more important than being able to read and write--but do you know how frustrating it is to not be able to read anything on a menu, or any of the street signs around you? Also, knowing characters definitely helps you understand the spoken language better. Mandarin Chinese connects and expresses ideas so differently than English! It is really beautiful. Someone struggling with choosing a major should consider Linguistics. Add that to the list of things I wish I could major in. So yeah. I can probably read a couple hundred characters at this point (which is nothing--you apprently have to know 3,000 to read a newspaper), mainly the easy ones and the ones they use frequently in the Book of Mormon or in hymns. But it is a start! Writing characters is a whole different story. So, so hard. But I am learning. Characters are not at all like an alphabet, they really are more like pictures that you have to memorize for every word. Sometimes there are clues within the picture that hint at the words' meaning, but I am just scratching the surface at being able to understand that.  

 

Ths week was full of food adventures! I had kimchi pizza, duck, and tons of squishy textured things that may have been tofu or fish sausage, I don't know.You just eat whatever is in your soup, and don't think to hard about it. But my tastes have definitely opened up to this culture! Last night for dinner I had a cold soup made of soy, soggy peanuts, green beans, black tapioca balls. And I really liked it! (t probably had a lot of sugar.)

 

Have to get going. I get to go to the temple today and I am so excited! I really love the temple.

 

Love you al! Hope all is going wel!

 

Diana

Tender Mercies

Thanks so much for everyone's letters this week. They were amazing to read. I am so lucky to have such thoughtful, caring, sincere family members. I wish I could reply to everyone, but I was trying to reply to as many as I can so this week's letter will be a little shorter. Which probably isn't a problem because usually they are really long. (SORRY!)

 

Before I forget: We get to go to the temple a week from Wednesday, so next week my P-Day will be Wednesday instead of Monday. Don't freak out when I don't write.

 

This week was full of mercy and MSG. Does anyone know what the ill effects of MSG really are? I never thought to look into it. There is a suspicious but not-unwelcome sweetness to most things I eat here. Food here is so cheap and generally pretty good. But sometimes it seems like it's all carbs and meat. Rice, noodles, sandwiches, dumplings, steamed stuffed buns, bakery foods... Many things are served with an egg somewhere in the mix (something I'm developing a fondness for), either a fried egg sitting on top of your noodles or cooked into a crepe-type thing, or a hardboiled egg that was soaked in soy sauce. It's all good but I'm one who likes to eat more rabbit food, so to speak. I try to have fruit for breakfast or whenever someone offers it to us, and vegetables whenever I can. But I really miss fresh vegetables, and salads. The only time I eat veggies are when they are offered (cooked and flavored) with rice. Dad, I am so envious of the garden crop you must be enjoying right now!

 

So much happened this week, so much that I am grateful for. We got to listen to general conference this weekend. The six of us XinZhuang missionaries set up tables in the chapel and thirstily took notes while eating all the snacks we brought. Really, conference was like a drink of cold water after a run, for me. It was in English! And so many good, beautiful ideas and things to think about. At some points I felt like bursting with the goodness of Christ and his mercy towards me.

 

Being able to feel that was so important and dear to me.

 

The question that always rings through my head as our bikes slide to a halt at stoplights and we awkwardly begin conversation with the people on scooters next to us, or as we put together lesson plans for this handful of special people we get to teach, or as we stumble into our elevator at the end of a long day and words to describe it fumble out of our mouths, is the question of my own sincerity. Maybe some missionries never think of this, but to me for every person I meet I feel I need to answer the questions again, "Is the gospel REALLY what this person needs? Why? How? And how am I going to convey that to them?" My biggest fears as a missionary are routine and habit, poisons that I sometimes feel tempted to indulge in but which I never want to. The gospel is so alive in me when I choose to let it be, and that spark of life, of hope, of goodness, is the most precious gift I have ever been given. I never want to take it for granted, I never want to say "Jesus Christ loves you" and not feel it at the same time. There was a talk in the MTC about repentance that gave me so much comfort, on this topic. The speaker urged us to always, always remember our moments in which we felt saved, redeemed, forgiven by God, etc. To never let the goodness and life of that die in our hearts. It is what sustained Alma the Younger and allowed him to bless so many people's lives. He said at the end of the talk that if we can always do that, "Your cries will be sincere". And those words follow me everywhere I go.

 

There is so much hurt in the world,. I really believe this gospel is the answer. I struggle to communicate with people and sometimes it feels like I'm sreaming at them from the other side of a transparent, sound proof wall. Not just because of my language inabilities--(sometimes I feel the same communication gap with my companion.) But because no one will ever hear what they are not open to. But I remind myself of the goodness and reality of what I have experienced through my relationship with God. I remember moments like last night when we were biking fruitlessly around South XinZhuang for some person we had never met before and never actually did find. And I started singing "How Firm a Foundation" to myself, in a voice so dim and timid above the push and pull roar of the traffic and the people talking. But I felt God's love for me and for the people around me so strong and pure in my heart. And what a gift it is to be able to say that "my cries are sincere."

 

But don't think I'm a stellar missionary. I am so weak and have so much to learn.

 

Love you all Got to go.

 

Diana

No time to think of a title!‏

Nihaoooooowdy,

 

Thank you to everyone who wrote me! You all are the best. There is so much I want to say in response to your thoughts and experiences but there isn't time. Just know I really appreciate hearing about them all. Every morning to start personal study I like to read a letter I have saved from a family member or friend. It helps me to remember real life and hear other perspectives than the ones my companion and I feed ourselves every day and also to feel compassion, connection, and the complicatedness of things. Unfortunately I sent most of my letters home after the MTC to save so I don't have as many as I'd like. If any of you ever want to send me snail mail, I would absolutely love that. You can send things directly to my mission home; I will probably get it within a week of it's arrival there.

 

So they lowered the mission ages! The word spread like crazy among missionaries. We had a fireside last night in Taipei for new converts and all missionaries in the Taipei area were allowed to go if we had a new convert to attend with. (We had three who wanted to come, and it was great getting to know them better on the metro. I can't really hold a real conversation, but I find ways to bond and communicate anyway. Last night Pan Jiemei and I started teaching each other Chinese and English words for things. I taught her, "Umbrella" and she pulled out her phone to show me the Rihanna song. Then we bonded because she really likes Rihanna, Mariah Carey, and Lady Gaga. And she started playing a Lady Ambe...(something?) with the lyrics, "Soul Sistah, Soul Sistah..." And I told her about Mary, "Wo de shaungbaotai" and how we called each other soul sisters sometimes when we're pretending to be ghetto. It was a very broken conversation that required props and sign language, but there was a merciful, timid connection there.)

 

Anyway... the point of that was to say that the missionaries heard from members about the lowering of the age to go on missions, so there was a lot of buzz about it at the fireside. My first feeling was complete delight. More sisters will serve missions! More sisters will get to have this experience, which will really strengthen them and strengthen the church. I also had this huge feeling of gratitude and love at the thought that the Lord and the leaders are really aware of the problems and complications we face and are trying to respond. I'm sure this change took years of thought, prayer, and planning. I am really hoping this will change a lot of the stereotypes about missions. Girls who choose to serve will no longer be the ones who couldn't get married. I am also hoping that the lowering of the age for boys will disrupt our engrained "Age 19 Age 19 Age 19" idea enough that there will be more openness to choosing when people feel ready to serve. I am hoping it will be more like a door is opened at age 18 that will remain open for several years rather than you are kicked out the door. But who knows? I fear time will likely settle it into the old pattern, because we are imperfect and like routine and structure and control. But I really do hope it will improve things.

 

No pressure Bill, but if you feel like putting in your papers earlier.... I'd love to see you in 2 and a half years instead of 3. :) Just kidding, though. You need to work that out between you and God. Definitely not my place to say when you should go, and freshman year holds a lot of fun, important experiences. There is an elder in my district who got called to his sister's exact same mission, and they were both out here in Taipei for six months. Ever since then I've been crossing my fingers you'll come! Or at least go to the Taichung mission. (Taiwan is the best country in the whole world to me, right now.) Or at least Mandarin speaking. So I can help and console you. Ha, I know the chances are so slim, but you never know!

 

What a week! It started out rough. This was the first week of my mission I have really experienced loneliness/homesickness. I was so spoiled in the MTC by getting Dear Elders nearly every day, by being able to run into cousins and friends, and by having such a good support group around me constantly. My companion is amazing (sometimes I feel like I want to be good and happy for her sake alone), and my district is actually still pretty close, (we see each other multiple times during the week, and hang out on P-days), so for a missionary in-field I actually have a very solid support group. But it was still hard this week. I can't really put my finger on a reason. But probably just because every day really just requires so much effort, hard work, concentration, and spiritual strength that when I don't feel strong or willing enough to meet those demands I sink inside myself and start dreaming of elsewhere. But I look back on this week and even though there were so many weak, selfish moments, there were so strong moments. Those times when I summoned a courage and will from deep within the well of me, and found an ability to do things and keep going that in my weak moments I didn't believe was there. To talk to people when I knew I might not understand their replies. To wake up in a cheerful mood instead of a sour one. To find words when my companion didn't have any. To have faith! To turn outward instead of inwards. To make that miniscule but crucial change of heart that Christ's character epitomizes. I am grateful for a mission if for no other reason than for requiring me to do this. Sacrifice is so, so soul-stretching and good.

 

Yesterday was such an interesting day. We have an investigator, Deng Jiemei, (won't use full name) who comes from a (very) rough backgound but has a solid desire to learn the gospel and be baptized. She soaks in our lessons like she is thirsty, always has tons of questions, and amazes us by asking things like, "How can I get my friends to accept the law of chastity?" when we were afraid she might have problems with it herself. Always at the end of lessons she says, "Xiexie, xiexie Nimen" (Thank you, thank you) and asks us to kneel with her in the closing prayer. On Saturday, she confessed to us that when she was 17 she was involved in a crime that required her to go to court and wanted to know if that would interfere with her baptism. We weren't sure, but said we would look into it. And during that meeting I was filled with so much love and amazement for her. Her background involved years of abuse and pain but she was pulling through it, and the gospel seemed to be providing a sense of safety and love she had never known before.

 

Yesterday during relief society, she was sitting in the back row with me and another investigator. She mysteriously disappeared halfway during the meeting and didn't come back. After the meeting, the other investigator realized her phone was missing. There are too many details to the story to explain why, but we basically knew it was Deng Jiemei who had taken it. The police were called. They told us that she had a record with them. Sister Kang and I walked home feeling absolutely sick about it, for so many reasons. But we called our mission president because we weren't sure what to do (Deng Jiemei still wants to get baptized) and he gave us an incredible, empowering opportunity. He asked, "Why do you think you should do? Have you asked the spirit? Go say a prayer, talk it out, and call me back with a plan." And so we did. And while we talked, this peace and sense of compassion came over me. I don't know about Sister Kang, but I was able to feel genuine love and forgiveness and hope for Deng Jiemei. It was an amazing moment to feel my faith tested and confirmed in the truth I speak multiple times every day, "God loves you." I say that to strangers at stoplights and inactive ward members and and to my family and to myself. And in all of these cases, including myself, I don't know the extent of the person's sins/unworthiness before God. But it is still true. It really is. We were able to think of a plan of action we felt peace about, taking into account all the various ways the situation could go dependant on ward members' and Deng Jiemei's decisions. And something that I felt sick and depressed about facing yesterday afternoon right now seems like a joyful opportunity to better understand the atonement.

 

I felt really grateful for my sociology background, during this whole situation. I was able to see our investigator not as untrustworthy or bad but as someone who has unhealthy patterns of behavior and thought that are going to be very painful to break, but can be broken. Not all of sociology would agree with my first or second clause. A lot of sociology would perhaps agree but have a million different ideas about how that could be done. The gospel has it's own ontology of human beings, though, and I feel grateful to say all my study of the other theories has brought me back to this one.

 

Life is good. Taiwan is an amazing, beautiful place. And so is the place that surrounds you right now, wherever you are. There are people around you who need help and tiny miracles going on around you that you aren't aware of. Let's try to notice them more this week. I am working on it, too.

 

Love you all so much! Thanks for all the love and support!

 

Diana

Guang (Light)‏

Hello everybody,

 

So I just finished my first full week in Taiwan. How do I sum it all up? I think usually when we write letters/blog posts/journal entries that supposedly summarize a period of time, they are more revealing of our current thoughts and emotions than what we may have actually experienced during the period of time. The past is so fluid, and always subject to being cast in a different light if something new comes our way and we start to look at things differently.

 

It makes me think about the importance of keeping things alive. Keeping the questions of what certain experiences are and who certain people are perpetually unsettled, rather than killing their potential and susceptibility to multiple interpretations with labels and routine phrases of description.

 

For example, my old companion and I, as all companionships do, ran into difficulties every once in a while. I feel a bit of guilt for how I handled things. I still think I could have loved her more and handled things differently in certain instances. There is a huge temptation now that we're not companions anymore to try to point to her quirks, flaws, and moments of weakness as evidence that she was just a "Tough Companion." Everyone had a "Tough Companion" on their mission, right? We all know or can imagine what they are, and what it's like to work with them. It's so hard, right? And we tried, we honestly tried, to make things better, but sometimes you just have a "Tough Companion." You know? (haha). But reducing her to that totally kills what our companionship experience meant every day. It makes to forget all the goodness, laughter, love, and support that filled every day, and how patient and merciful she was with me. And it makes me forget the responsibility I have to still love her, all because I don't want to admit that things were complex and that I am imperfect and probably harmed her a lot.

 

In some ways loving people really is just to have this kind of openness as to who they are and what our responsibility is to them. To always keep them alive in our hearts. Definitely hard, though.

 

Sister Kang is my new companion, and my trainer. She is a really beautiful Korean who grew up in Utah, but lived three years in Korea. She also took two years of Mandarin before coming on her mission, and she speaks the most naturally and natively of any of the American missionaries I've heard. I am so lucky to get to train with her! She has a very calm demeanor and is very patient. Sometimes I feel like I wreak havoc on lessons whenever I make comments because my Chinese is so choppy but she always smooths it over and keeps things on track.

 

I felt on and off about my Chinese this week. Progress comes so slowly. Also, I feel like I get less practice speaking than I did in the MTC, because my companion takes care of most of our interactions with people. Since yesterday, I have been a little more frustrated with it. Nothing special happened, I was just sitting in church with a feeling-sorry-for-myself attitude, and that always makes things worse. It takes so much concentration to understand people, and if my mind is distracted by how extremely special and pitiable I am, then it is really hard to concentrate. And it makes me miss opportunities to learn and practice speaking. Yesterday afternoon in studies I said a prayer to help me know what to do/feel/think, and I stopped to think about it and there was this clear line of logic that came that was something like, "Chinese will come as you focus on other people/your purpose." I definitely know that's true. The times when I've felt most comfortable with my weakness and also most confident in my ability are the times when I'm worrying about other people rather than myself.

 

This weekend was Mid-Autumn Festival, and the past few nights the air has been filled with barbecue smell. We passed dozens and dozens of family and friend groups huddled over their grills cooking shrimp, pork, fish sausage, tofu, corn on the cob, and just about everything else on skewers. A couple of random families we passed while street contacting invited us to join them. We were like, "Can we just have a bite?" But once you get invited to the party, they will keep giving you food until you have to leave. We even got offered beer! One lady gave us shrimp skewer after shrimp skewer, then fruit, then coke, and then was stuffing packages of pineapple cakes in our bicycle baskets as we were leaving. And she didn't even know us. People are so hospitable, here. We went home that night so full, and happy. It was fun to get to take part in the celebration a little bit.

 

Oh, I need to tell you about my biking experience! Ha. Well, you should definitely pray for my life every day, but maybe not as much as you might think. The first day of biking was basically terrifying. Throughout the day, I had to force my reflexes and nerves to forget a lot of the rules engrained in me since I was a child about how you deal with cars and traffic and roads. You sort of just have to play chicken most of the time. One piece of advice another missionary gave me was, "Don't look behind you." And it's true, usually it is better to count on them seeing you and moving around you because if you look behind you and think about how you really should be more than a couple of feet away from a car or scooter when you're going at that speed you will just start freaking out. Sorry Dad, you are probably really scared for me. But to be honest, I think doing that here is in some ways a lot safer than being ten feet away from cars in America. People expect to have pay constant attention while driving. There are TONS of people on bikes and scooters in XinZhuang. And the lanes are so fluid, so people typically have no trouble sliding back and forth on the road to not hit you. I also pray while biking and do (despite the missionary's advice) look around me and try to be safe.

 

There is still tons more I could say about life here. It is definitely hard. One of the surprising things about a mission is that you never are suddenly transformed or translated into a missionary. Or at least if was translated, I don't think I was translated correctly... (Haha... Mormon jokes.) You have to decide to be that person in every moment--to think about the spiritual needs of the person across the table from you rather than your own insecurity in the language, to think about the person whose house you are headed to rather than your own fatigue, to think about the beauty of the place around you rather than the people you miss back home. It's the tiny decisions I make nearly every moment in my heart that are the hardest, the ones that determine whether I will really be here now with the people around me or be somewhere else. I struggled a lot with having my whole heart in the work this week. But God is so good and patient with me. I read about Christ in the scriptures and I want to be able to "take up my cross" and bear the needs of others the way he did mine. He really is real, and in many ways more real than this tangible keyboard I have beneath my fingers. He enables me to do and bear and overcome so much--to really be alive and awakened to the world around me. He really is the "light and the life of the world."

 

I hope you all are doing well! Please email me or write me letters if you have time! And listen to good music on my behalf!

 

Sister Brown

Xinzhuan (My first area!)‏

Diana arrived in Taiwan and has wonderful things to say:


Hey everyone!

I am writing this email n a smoky-smelling internet cafe in Xinzhuan, a suburb in the Southwest part of Taipei. I'm surrounded by poster-ads for video games that I would probably recognize if I were a gamer, but I don't. And the writing is all in characters. One of them has a little English subtitle, though, that says, "Legend of Wuxia." Could that by an Asian version of Zelda? Anyway, it is almost six in the morning here and there are tons of young boys in here, who probably have been here all night. 

Outside is a busy street lined with tall apartment buildings, with shops and places to eat on the bottom floor. There is a three-story McDonalds (Maidanglao) on this block--the space is so narrow that it builds up, you order on the first or second floor and then have room to eat on the second or third. The city is already awake. Outside there are people waiting at the bus stop and people are starting to zoom by on their scooters. There are easily more scooters than cars, here. (Motor scooters, not the little kick-push kind, in case you were wondering).  My companion and I live about a five minute walk away from here. Our street is more narrow than this one but almost as busy. We walk out of our apartment complex and there are about five little shops to eat at and a dozen people to talk to within thirty fee of our door. Last night there was a concert stage set up on a street in between our apartment complex and another one, and some performer was going all night, with a huge crowd around him. My companion tells me that XinZhuan is one of the most busy, city-like areas I will serve in, and if I learn to bike safely here, I'll be good anywhere on the island. 

I don't have my bike yet, but I should be getting it today. I don't want to scare dad, but probably the only safety tip he gave me that will be applicable here is to be smart. No one is going to notice or care about my hand signals or my courtesy in giving them space. In the narrower roads like the one we live on, pedestrians, scooters, cars, and bikers alike just tend to go wherever there is a space for them to get through. 

Our apartment is really nice. It's easily nicer than any I lived in at BYU, especially considering I share it with one other person rather than five. I have my own bathroom and dressing room, and it is so clean and spacious feeling! We have two decks on either side of the apartment, one of which overlooks the city and you can even see the skyscrapers in Taipei. We are on the sixth floor, so we have a beautiful view. Last night there were fireworks going on somewhere in the distance and we took a break from planning to watch and take pictures. I will keep taking pictures this week and try to upload them next week so you can all see.

I wanted to describe all this before I get used to it, and forget what there is to describe. This week one of my most recurrent thoughts/emotions has been an overwhelming, awed sense of  "I cannot believe I live here." The people are all so kind, the food is amazing, the buildings and scenery are beautiful and interesting, and there is just always something exciting happening outside. It's like living in the heart of NYC. I really hope I don't start to take it for granted. This is such an amazing opportunity! It still just feels strange--I remember having this thought as we were flying over Japan and I looked at the lit up cities, thinking, I just put in my mission papers. That's all I did. And for some reason I'm going to live in this new place and am learning to speak a new language that didn't necessarily have to be a part of my life at all. I feel almost a little guilty for how excited I am. 

Anyway, this week flew by! So many changes so fast. After landing in Taipei, we spend a day and half at the mission home doing orientation things. A lot of it was just being told practical things about life here, pumping us up to do missionary work, and doing some necessary paperwork. On our first night, they paired us up with experienced missionaries and sent us out street contacting. The sister I was paired up really pushed me to take initiative and be bold, probably more than my companion does now. There are probably few things more awkward in life than striking up religious conversations with strangers in a language you don't really speak. Maybe a wedding night is more awkward. I don't know. But it was actually a really cool experience, and five people gave us their addresses and numbers so we could set up appointments with them. I learned a ton. 

At least for the first hour and a half. You all thing falling asleep in movies is bad? Well--thanks to jet lag, my narcolepsy this week has reached new heights. I get to this point every night where my brain just hits a wall and can't think anymore. For the last hour of street contacting, I followed the other sister around like a zombie, and she pretty much had to do everything. At one point she was talking to this lady for 10-20-30 minutes (who knows?) and I had my first experience of dreaming and being asleep while standing on a busy street sidewalk with my eyes open. And then every once in a while I would shake my head and remember where I was. It was so weird! I don't think I have ever felt as totally exhausted in my life. But every day it has been getting a bit easier to stay up until 10:30, and I am sleeping through the night now. 

Ah, there is just so much to tell you all about. My inability to effectively communicate in Chinese of course has hit me hard. I was feeling pretty discouraged about it on Saturday. There are so many reasons each day for me to feel stupid, embarrassed, or helpless--my companion has to order food for me, people in the ward ask me questions I don't understand, I lose track of where the conversation is going in lessons. All my goals for the type of missionary I wanted to be and the service I wanted to give people here sometimes seem so totally irrelevant--if I could only communicate! 

But yesterday at church a miracle happened. I prayed that morning and focused my personal study around how I could be the missionary I wanted to be even though I don't speak the language well. All my goals just morphed into one--I wanted to show every person that I loved them and loved the gospel. I decided I needed to really forget about myself--my embarrassment and helplessness--and care about other people more. And I really felt that, all day. Practically all I could do was smile and wave and greet people, but I tried to go out of my way to do that. And everyone was so, so kind and good to me. I made a smart choice in sacrament meeting, when I had to introduce myself and bear my testimony, or telling them that it was my fourth day in Taiwan. All the ward members took pity on me and reassured me that my Chinese was awesome (hen bang) and that they hoped I liked Taiwan. They spoke much simpler to me. They asked me about my family and one lady dragged me into a room to try a traditional Taiwanese dessert that she insisted I needed to try. (It was mochi). There was so much love! And I was actually amazed at how well I did with my Chinese, at church. I understood about 70-80% of what was said in the lessons. During relief society, I was listening to the teacher speak about what the Holy Ghost feels like. And I became conscious of this unexplainable smile and feeling of joy in my chest that had been glowing and bursting from inside me all day. I felt so much love for everyone around me, and I had the strength and will to be with them right there in that moment--rather than wrapped up in my own thoughts and self-pity as I sometimes am. It was such a beautiful, merciful experience that I hope to carry with me throughout my whole mission. 

Okay, I think I better wrap up and stop gushing. I still feel like I could go on talking about Taiwan and my experiences here for another email at least this long... Sorry if they get exhausting to read.  I hope you all are doing really great! Feel free to write/email me! I now have a lot more time on the computer, so email works. 

Love you all! 

Sister Brown