you yixie gaibian

So here's what happened: I moved into what will probably be my last area (because I only have two transfers left). This area is basically Taipei Temple Square, and the part of the city surrounding the temple.  My companion and I are in charge of supervising tours, training all the sisters that come in to do tours, helping President with any special projects he gives us, and going on exchanges to train the other Sister Training Leaders and  new missionaries who just came on island, and then keeping up our own proselyting area.

So now a lot of the work I do is in an office; there isn't as much time on the streets. I've been stubborn about this change; it seems like moving to a cozy position is a betrayal of all the awkward, sweaty, helpless-but-hopeful missionary work that most missionaries spend their days doing. I feel a sacred loyalty to that life, and don't want to ever feel myself above that. There really isl a deep sadness that those days are over. I will still get to do normal missionary work, but not as much.  Still, I'm trying to have a positive attitude and keep myself focused on others. And I have to admit, working on trainings to give other missionaries, critiquing art to put up in the chapel, getting called into President Day's office to give him feedback on some of his crazier ideas--some of the things I've done the past couple of days--also brings out an intellectual, analytical, creative side of me that I have been really missing.

I've been thinking a lot, this week, about the painful gaps in understanding between the bureaucracy of things (which I've now become a part of) and the mundane, real-life work the bureaucracy sits on top of. There really needs to be dialogue between both. Since coming here I have realized that a lot of the complaining we did about rules, why President thinks this or that, why the system is like that, etc.--was all a bit unfair. I have been impressed with the creativity and spirituality I've seen going on in the office, to solve different problems as they come up. I think my mission President is an incredibly genuine, loving person who is doing his best.

But I also see how the people at the top of the system are sometimes a bit out of tune with the real experiences of the missionaries. For example, a couple of days ago one of the assistants asked me about a Sister who I am really close to. Her numbers have been ridiculously low. She had one week where she literally had no lessons--we're not sure what she did with all her time.
This sister is Taiwanese, and I have been companions with her before, so I know her situation much better.  She has no confidence in herself, struggles with having a rigorous shcedule, doesn't like to keep mission rules, and  isn't very happy with mission life. Last week I went on exchanges with her. Her apartment was a WRECK. As she was taking a shower at night, I had a few quiet moments of washing her dishes and feeling quite overwhelmed with how to help her. I really wanted to do treat her how Christ would.

So here is what I did. When she got out of the shower, I told her that I felt like cleaning her apartment was more important than going to bed on time. We spent the next several hours sorting papers and sweeping, and talking. She was really open to me about all the challenges she's been having lately, with her testimony, her confidence in herself, etc. I knew innately my job was just to listen, to provide comments when helfpul, to encourage her, but mainly just to be honest and let her be honest. At one point I was trying to sympathize with her; I told her I new missionary work was a difficult sacrifice, and she said, "Actually, I don't think it is." Then she told me something she has never told me before, in our months of friendship. Before her mission, she had a huge pornography addiction that really negatively affected her schooling, her family relationships, her activity in the church, everything. She said a large motivation for going on a mission was to have a year and  a half where she could completely avoid porn. She has never felt cleaner in her whole life than she does right now.

I felt so overcome with love and compassion for her. We hugged andI told her how much I admired her. I could tell it meant a lot to her, that I just listened and didn't judge her. And maybe this sounds weird, but I feel like that moment--while we were sitting on the floor among dust piles and stacks of paper, and she told me about her porn addiction--was as real as any of the baptismal services I've had on my mission, in feeling like I was really making a good dent in the universe.

So do you see how when the assistant asks me why this Sister hasn't handed out a single Book of Mormon in the past seven weeks, I want to smack him a little bit? There is such a gap between the reality she lives and his understanding of her reality. But at the same time, I know he is just doing his best and this is why it's important to have people in my position, to be bridges between the two worlds. There needs to be open communication on both sides, not resentment.

So yeah. Those are some of my recent thoughts. I really believe God loves everybody, and everybody's testimony is beautiful--even if all there testimony is is that mission life standards allow you to avoid bad habits. I love this life so much, for helping me to see these things. I love that I was able to come here and learn Chinese so I could have a good influence in this Sister's life, that night. I don't know if it's apparent but I really believe in God, and believe in his love for all of us that covers every second whether we think it does or not. I LOVE what President Monson said to the relief society sisters that God's love is there whether we deserve it or not. It is simply always there.

I love you all! Hope you all have a great week!

Sister Brown