May 5

Hello Everybody!

I hope you all had a great week! Jon, congratulations on graduation! So exciting! 

I can't wait to talk to you all next week! 

People will sometimes say cheesy things about how people you meet on your mission were people you knew in the pre-existence or were somehow destined to meet. I don't know that I really believe that, but I have to admit sometimes the connection I feel with people is very strong and beautiful. This picture is of me and my beloved Taiwanese alter ego, Xiao Jiemei. I can't tell you guys how much I love her, and how strangely similar we are! We share the exact same birthday, February 7th, and we are both twins, we are both the younger sister of the twinship, and we both have more quiet, introverted personalities while our older twins are more outgoing and bold. (I love you, Mary!) 

Xiao Jiemei is just about the cutest thing in the world. She LOVES hearing people's testimonies in church, and gets so emotional about little stories of people's answered prayers or acts of service that we kind of take for granted in the church. She is studying to be a nurse and wants to move to the US after she graduates to work. I have a secret ambition to convince her to be my roommate so we can be friends forever! But first I have to help her with English. She is getting baptized next week!

Also, as you can see in this picture, I have been getting to use my violin a lot lately! Wow, I am so glad I brought that thing. I have played in a funeral, at firesides, baptismal services, and lately just street performing while contacting. I will play while my companions or other missionaries contact people around us. It's funny how all my experiences with music previous to the mission come into play. Robby and Mike and I used to street perform a lot in Salt Lake, so I pretty much over came all my nerves of playing on the street in front of strangers, through that. While I am playing, I always remember Peggy Wheelwright telling us Pizzicato String kids to "smile" while we perform, so we don't look so gloomy. That seems particularly important now since I am supposed to be inviting people to want to hear more about the church, and I want it to be a happy thing! Another cool thing is how fluidly all the different music I love comes to me, while I am playing. I will just close my eyes and play what I feel like. Sometimes it is hymns, sometimes it is classical music I played in high school or college, sometimes it is Searching for Celia, sometimes I just jam. No one on the street knows hymns, so I don't feel confined to playing them. I just try to play beautiful music. 

Yeah, life is good. Here is the other thing I want to say about life, though. Even though life is good, it is still constantly filled with little disappointments and sometimes big ones. It is constantly filled with all those little inner-heart decisions you have to make to be happy and loving. It is interesting being on a mission; sometimes I remember what I thought of missionaries before my mission, and I sort of just imagined them to be continually pure, holy people. I feel like overall,  I am more pure and loving than I was before my mission, but I have learned that the lived experience of being pure is not one of just basking in the light of the spirit all the time. Rather, it is one of continual questioning and self-reflection. It requires being continually spiritually on your feet, aware of all your impurities, and willing to fix them. I have probably never been so aware and understanding of the selfish motivations and desires that drive so many of my decisions, even though I probably have less now than I used to.  Isn't that interesting? The take home point is that if you feel like you are not basking in the goodness of life like everyone else appears to be, you are normal and okay! The road to discipleship is one of continual activity, and when you get to one level God bumps you up to another. Just keep going and trying to do your best, and realize that awareness of your weaknesses is the first step to making them strengths. 

And... just have hope. Believe that life is a beautiful, not discouraging thing. Because it is! The more we sacrifice and give of our hearts and minds, the more our lives are filled with this sense of peace, love, ability to appreciate and enjoy, and faith in God. Even though I believed in God before my mission, it is incredible to me how much my faith in him has grown. I had this experience while while watching conference that caught me off guard in how much I have changed. The apostles were speaking so boldly of their testimonies, and so boldly making declarations about what is right and what is wrong. I used to hear their talks and think, "Wow, how will people respond?" or "Wow, how do they get the guts to say stuff like that?" This time, as I was watching, there was just this  understanding that came over me, that seems so trite when put into words, but settled into my soul as the loveliest truth. It was just a feeling of, "Of course they have to say that, and be that bold. Because it is true." 

Like really. I am not saying that because I say it every day to people on the street and investigators. I am not saying it because I feel I am supposed to, to save face or anything. I really, sincerely, genuinely know that God is there. I have really experienced his hand in my life, I have experienced him teaching me very personal things through scriptures, prayer, and my own experiences. I have experienced how much he LOVES people, and wants to help us but so rarely we give him that chance. I didn't think I could be this strong, before. And of course I am not strong enough; I always need to keep going. But seriously. 

And among the million things I have learned about testimony, here is the one thing: It is connected to obedience. All the commandments and teachings are designed to teach us to love, and that's why we need to be obedient to them. It's when I start being selfish and resentful of my situation or other people that my faith starts to fade--because God is one we can only see when our hearts are open in love. 

I love you all! Can't wait to talk to you next week!

Sister Brown