No Easter, but we had an Earthquake this week!‏

Dear Everybody,

I didn't know it was Easter at all until some lady in my ward gave Sister Sun and I hard-boiled eggs with one of those cute plastic bunny wrappers around them. How strange it is to be so out of the loop! I can't wait to be a part of Easter next year with you all and get to eat Mom's creative passover meal, which she told me about. How fun!

We had an earthquake the other day, during companion study. It was pretty cool. Sister Sun and I were discussing a lesson plan for one of our investigators. I asked her if she thought a certain scripture was fitting, and she started saying something about, "Dizhen" (earthquake). I was like, "What?" And she kept muttering about "Dizhen!" And I was like, "Oh my gosh, my Chinese must be so bad; I have no idea what she's talking about, because that SO does not answer my question." Then she pointed out the window, where this electrical line was swinging like crazy, and I suddenly noticed our desks and the walls and the floor were simultaneously shifting gentle back and forth. Then I was like, "OH, she means Dizhen!" Haha. Understanding another language depends so much on context, doesn't it? Learn your contexts well. 

Being a missionary is so weird. During studies I feel so close to God, so filled with desire to be a spiritual, successful servant of him; I pray to be able to say what I can to help people, to make them laugh and smile or feel touched by the idea that someone loves them. This does happen often, and I am so thankful for those moments  The dialogue we have for missionary work seems to largely focus on these successes as a natural consequence of spirituality. But I am also learning that half of the time, being a good servant of God just requires accepting disappointments with love and patience rather than resentment. As I've searched the scriptures and Preach my Gospel, I've come to really see that there is very much a dialogue for this as well, but we don't seem to talk about it as much, as missionaries. 

Another weird thing about missionary work is the simultaneous arrogance and love it requires. Sometimes I think it is hilarious, the things we talk about during our studies, when we are planning for investigators. We ask ourselves things like, "What is she struggling with, right now?" "What does she need to hear from us?" "Why do you think she doesn't like reading the Book of Mormon?" As if we, these two little girls, one of who is American and from a totally different cultural background, who get brief hour-long glances at our investigators lives each week, have any place to be accurately answering these questions. But I think the point is not to answer the question correctly. I think the point is that in discussing these questions we learn to think about and sensitively care for these people. I think the point is that no matter what we end up saying, no matter what scripture we end up sharing, it will come from a source of light, pointed in their direction. 

Another weird thing about being a missionary is how all the talents I thought I had end up being the ones of little use, but God gives me new ones to keep up with the demands of each day. As an example, I can tell you about my assignment of about 8 weeks ago to start teaching the children during English Class, every Wednesday. They are so loud, so energetic; they hate sitting, they hate listening, and I really thought I was going to crazy, when I started teaching them. It is exhausting! At first my attitude was very uppity; as they were dashing around the classroom joke-punching each other and trying to steal the whiteboard marker from me, I was trying to think how on earth I was supposed to make any progress with them. I wanted to be teaching adults, who were so much more interesting and intelligent, and who would listen to me and give me the respect I felt I deserved. Wasn't that what I came on a mission to do, anyway? Let people hear and be influenced by my thoughts, my insights, my perspective on things? I didn't come on a mission to learn how to be really animated with my hand and body motions, to talk in a loud, enthusiastic voice that is easier to pay attention to, or to dance the hokey pokey week after week because it's the only thing that they seem to like. And yet that's what I've learned to do with the kids. And it works. One boy, who at first was particularly annoying to me because he is 9--the oldest in the class--and should be able to behave himself a little better, came up to me after church one day and just through his arms around my waist in a hug, without saying anything. 

My heart just wants to break with how much I love the God who lets me have these tender experiences. He is a God who has helped me so many times by just telling me to smile. Really. I was really sad, as we came home one night this week, because one of our investigators who I love so much really did not respond well to the Law of Chastity lesson and was kind of hinting she wasn't going to keep progressing with the gospel. I was feeling so weighed down with how much I would miss her, and how much I had hoped she would keep progressing. And as I was going about writing records and making calls and planning like we usually do at night, I felt this sweet, gentle nudge in my heart, God telling me, "Hey, you can do this. It's going to be okay. Be happy!" 

There is so much I don't know and understand and still so many places I doubt and worry--but I really believe in Him, and that he is good. 

I love you all! Happy Easter! Have great Grandview days and write to me if you haven't in a while because I MISS you! 

Diana

chuanjiao baogao!‏

Dajia hao,

I feel like writing, "What a great week!' because I am in a good mood right now. And in retrospect, this week really was awesome. But it also was super freaking hard sometimes. I had a lot of dark moments this week when I was frustrated with myself, my situation, and felt more distant from God than I should be. 

I am learning that happiness really is 100% about our attitude, our way of being towards the people and experiences in our lives. Our area has been so busy, lately. This week, I had moments where I thought it was too busy. There were so many people we were supposed to be meeting with, calling, following up with, etc. that I started getting so stressed. During lessons I started thinking more about the clock and what was happening next and if people would show up on time and what would happen if they didn't and what I had to do when I got home that night and all these other detail things that I stopped thinking as much about God and our investigators we were meeting with at the time. That is a really bad thing to do! It made me feel like a number-focused missionary, which made me repulsed with myself. And my prayers started being more selfish and complaining about why I was given so many expectations, so much pressure from the missionary organization/myself to be perfect that I didn't get to be the chill, loving, spirit-filled missionary I wanted to be. (As if it really was all these things really forced me to be uptight, leaving me no choice in the matter.)

Then part way through the week, I had an epiphany that helped. In our apartment, we have a whiteboard where we list all the people we are currently meeting with/working with. Our board has many names on it now, and isn't even updated all the way. It's hard to keep up with all the people we meet. Some have potential and sincere interest, while others maybe don't as much, but there are nevertheless a lot of names. And I remembered the first week I came to YongHe, when Sister Duggar and I had only about five names on the board. I remembered our long days of contacting time, and the rain and the perpetually-present clouds. I remembered my prayers at the time to just have real, sincere investigators, to be able to really share my testimony of God with people. 

He has totally answered that prayer. And how have I responded? By complaining that I am too busy. So yeah, I am trying to have a much more thankful attitude this week. 

Sister Sun, my companion, and I have so much fun together. It is so interesting how completely different our backgrounds are. She grew up on a farm on the Southern tip of Taiwan, reading the Koran, studying science, teaching her Indonesian mother Chinese. I... totally didn't. But there is so, so much overlap in our understanding of life and ability to work together. We also--somehow--just have a really similar sense of humor. I think I have laughed more with her than with any other companion. It is so fun. One of the things we like to do together is be frugal with whatever food we have in the fridge--which means eating things together that don't normally go together. Last week we ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches with cheese melted on top. Kind of weird, but it is food! We talk 98% of the time in Chinese, which may be part of the reason we laugh a lot, because I definitely say a lot of silly things that don't make grammatical sense every day. But she says my Chinese has already improved a lot in just the week we have been together! That makes me really happy. 

I am feeling a lot less anxious about training now than I did a week ago. When I found out I was going to be training, I gave myself such high expectations about how I was supposed to act, in order to teach her "how to be a missionary". I pictured this person who followed rules to a T and never had moments when their faith falls short, etc.  And then when we actually started working together, it occurred to me how silly and inhuman that was. I realized that that person wasn't ME, at all. When I started seeing her experience her first really long, tiring days, her first experiences with investigators' complicated questions, her first experiences with rejection by people we meet on the street, I realized I wanted to teach her the REAL wisdom I have developed from missionary work. Which is basically this: that even though life as a missionary is often joyful and really good, that you do have moments when you don't feel like going out. That's okay. You say a prayer and go out anyway. That you do have moments when there is so much to do that you can't get to bed on time. And sometimes that thing you want to do isn't even related to missionary work--you just want to write in your journal. That's okay. That sometimes you forget to call that person or you respond badly to a person's question. That's okay, you just say a prayer and try to do better next time. That sometimes you feel like everyone else just "gets it" and you must be missing something, which is why good things happen to them and things come harder for you. It's okay to feel that way. You just say a prayer, try to see what Heavenly Father thinks of you, and try to just focus on that. She doesn't have to be perfect; she won't be. I won't be. 

I really love God, and believe in him. This week I have had a lot of emotional struggles trying to figure out if all the pressure I give myself is really from him, or from me, or from missionary expectations/rules. I have wavered back and forth between resentment of the ideals/rules the mission sets for us and commitment to them. One morning, as I was writing in my study journal, I decided that the rules/expectations were too high and crushing, that the mission's use of key indicators/numbers in order to measure our progress was basically the root of all evil, and that from then on I was going to be a rebel and not care about any of that and just do the best to follow the spirit. I sort of envisioned myself nobly reporting to my district leader at the end of the week that even though we had "0" new investigators, that we had done a lot of good. And then I actually listened to the spirit. And I felt God telling me, "There are so many more important things for you to do than to fight against this." I fear I can't explain what I want to very clearly, but it just became so clear to my soul in that moment that 1) the numbers/expectations set by our mission are tools, 2) that they are not really what God cares about, and 3) that nevertheless, they are very useful, and as far as they are the best system we have now to progress in the work, are even necessary, because this work really is hugely important. I saw how the number system was neither inherently good or evil, it was a tool that could be used both ways, and that God didn't want me to waste time pretending it was inherently evil when I could be using it, more properly, as a tool for good the way it was intended. I felt the spirit tell me, "Live in such a way that you are always close to me, and everything else will work out for your own and for other's good." 

I really know that God loves me. I feel that whenever I have the guts and humility to ask, and I know he looks at the quality of the things I do rather than the quantity. I really see how it's me and other imperfect people who try to think he cares about the external indicators of work rather than the internal ones. The details of life matter so much less than our way of being, our relation with him. I wish I could express just how good and full of love I really feel and believe him to be. Yesterday in relief society the lesson was on teaching your kids the gospel, and the little Taiwanese ladies, many of whom are not married or don't have children, most of whom are in part member families, and all of whom are imperfect and feel inadequate like we all do, started talking about how they needed to improve and try harder and blah blah blah. All of which is so true. The first truth of life is that there is endless room for improvement with all of us. But the lesson was wrapping up, and I realized they had forgotten to talk about the second truth. So I raised my hand and even though my Chinese is terrible and awkward, I tried to express the second truth: that Heavenly Father loves, accepts, and believes in every one of us completely, in every moment. No matter what we have done. No matter how much we did NOT teach our kids the gospel or find new investigators that week. He sent his son to atone for us so that none of us need to be in eternal despair because of our inadequacies. His expectations are to teach us and help us to be open to a better, happier, fuller way of living, but he knows we will fall short. His arms are stretched out still toward us to help us wherever we are along that path to move towards a higher, happier way of being. I wish I could express how much love and faith I have in these two inseparable truths. 

God is real. He loves you! Take care!

Sister Brown

It's too laaaate to apologizeeeeee

Dear everyone who is normal,

This week I ate pig's foot. It was repulsive. Mainly just fat and skin, which you are supposed to chew off the bone. I couldn't finish eating it. I hope you never have to start eating it.  

Also, I hope today's email will help you. Sometimes I feel weak and come to email looking for comfort and peace, and sometimes I find it by seeing that other people are struggling, too, often with the same things that I am. (I firmly believe all our struggles, at the bottom, are the same. They require the same response.) And when I see other people struggling, there is this compassion and perspective that comes, that heals me and helps me find strength to help other people. 

I got a new companion, Sister Sun. (Pronounced kind of like "soon" but different). She is from the most southern point of Taiwan, a place called PingDong. Her mother is an immigrant from Indonesia, so she speaks not only fluent Mandarin and Taiwanese, but Indonesian and also is not to bad at English. She grew up Muslim and converted to the church about three years ago. Her parents do not understand why she is going on a mission at all; they have given her permission to go but she doesn't have their emotional support. I can't imagine how lonely and hard that would be, but she is so humble and faithful. On our first day together, trying to express compassion for her situation, I asked if not having their support was hard. She said, "I do have their support. They let me come." And also that, "Being on a mission isn't lonely; you have a companion." Her selflessness blows my mind. I respect the HECK out of her! 

 

In fact, being assigned as her trainer has been really humbling. Our first morning together during studies, I kind of had an emotionally-heavy identity crisis while I was realizing how self-centered and Western I am. I know the scriptures way better than she does, have had so many beautiful experiences of answered prayers and closeness to God, have been active in the church my whole life and generally consider myself to be a good-hearted person; but there is something about her simple faith that just blows all of these supposed "evidences of spirituality" to pieces. I started wondering if I really had anything to teach her at all. Another difficult aspect is that because she is Taiwanese there are immediately a million things she can do better than I can. She remembers people's names so easily, (to me all the syllables so easily blur together, and sound the same), and can pick up on all the details of what people are saying when I only get the gist. She understands these people's culture in a way I never will be able to. 

One of the main reasons it has been hard, too, is just the pressure of training in general. At the training we received to be trainers, they drilled into our heads that the way we are with our trainees will set the pattern for the rest of their mission, that we need to be a really good example of obedience and faith, etc. etc. I have developed I think a fairly healthy attitude toward mission expectations. I see why they are necessary and good; they motivate us to overcome our lazy parts and really do produce a lot of good results. But there are also times when they are kind of impossible, in which case I try to just drop them from my mind. So at the time I was like, "Yeah, no problem. I know how to do missionary work, I can show her." 

But.. sometimes It is really, really hard to have that perspective. Once we actually came back to YongHe and got to work, I started becoming conscious of so many ideals and expectations I simply don't live up to. Not really because I don't want to, but because it simply seems beyond what my ability and time allows for. Have you ever felt that way? 

For example, we obviously all know that being a missionary work should be a work of sincerity and love.  Nearly every second of our days are packed with activities focused on these people, even the times when we are supposed to have personal time. Nightly planning is only supposed to go until 9:30, but I am on the phone until 10 or 10:15 each night, calling people to confirm for tomorrow's lessons, see how they are doing, follow up on stuff, etc. Even then, I always feel like I am only getting half of what I need to do. So going to bed at 10:30--another thing we are encouraged to do-- is an extremely difficult task, (that I will be honest, hasn't really happened until I became a trainer).  Most of the time, I am really happy with this life. It really is incredibly rewarding and you really do get to love people so much that it is a pleasure to sacrifice for them. But there are definitely times when you just get tired, and you start to look at all you're doing from the perspective of your own needs, and it gets so, so hard to keep going with a positive attitude. And then when the expectations keep piling up--for instance, you go to a meeting and they tell you that if you have enough faith you should be getting a baptism every month--it gets even harder. I know I am not perfect and there is so much of my heart I still have left to give; but gosh, I am trying so hard, too!

So what is to be done? I was feeling really overwhelmed on Thursday night, my first night as a trainer. I was on the phone with Elder Xu, my zone leader who is also a pretty good friend. He is kind of notorious in the mission because he is so hilarious and not really your typical, picture-perfect missionary. We were talking for a bit about something and then I told him, "Well, I probably better start getting ready for bed, I should probably set a good example for my companion." I think he could sense the tenseness in my voice, because he said, "Sister Brown. JUST BE YOURSELF." Then he reminded me of what he and Elder Baker, another good friend who just left home for America, focused on in the past two months in our zone meetings. February the theme was, "Be Happy" and in March the theme was "Friendship."  These meetings were definitely a bit unconventional. The February meeting was the one where they took about an hour to give me a surprise birthday party, and in the March meeting I made brownies for everyone (thanks for the brownie mixes, Mom and Mary!) and we took time in the middle of the meeting to have that little party. The two of them are always laughing, and being around them always reminds me, refreshingly, that it is okay and good to be a normal person. 

And gosh, I know that in my heart, too. I think we all do! It gets really hard sometimes. We all have those moments of feeling overwhelmed with all we are supposed to be doing, and all we could be doing better. But we also know the joy of just letting go. Of saying, "God, I worked pretty hard today. I know that's enough for you." And the pleasure of just enjoying the moment. For me, that means just loving my investigators as people! Loving all their quirks and funny stories. Loving my companions! Yesterday Sister Sun and I bonded over having secret ambitions to be college professors and for some reason also bonded over the only "One Republic" song that we know. We both started singing, "It's too late to apologizeeee... it's too laaaaaaate!" as we were biking off to an appointment. I also found out that she, like Chris, is a "Pigetarian". She hates pork! I told her about Chris, and the time his insistence on not eating pig meat was so strong that at age 10 he was willing to call Pizza Hut and ask if their pepperoni had pig meat in it before he would consume the pizza on the table. She thought that was adorable.

Like really, life is just good. I also included a picture of Sister Sutton and me at our training meeting, (she is training, too, this transfer), because I love Sister Sutton and she makes me so happy. Even if all the things I talked about in this email worried you, don't worry about me. I every once in a while, like we all do, have those hard times when things just seem overwhelming. But I have really experienced the beauty of the atonement. The beauty of being able to look at my imperfect efforts, my imperfect companion's efforts, my imperfect situation, and just be okay. All the embarrassing, awkward, painful, terrible things that might happen to us throughout the day, through the atonement of Christ, can be made into something beautiful. Something we can learn from. Something that can allow us to have more compassion for others. Something that can make someone laugh, or relate to us better, or to see as more human. 

I do want to say; I am not totally critical of mission ideals because they have a place in helping us to understand the atonement. It is in the gaps between where we are and where we want to be that we experience the beauty of the atonement, of all the things I just described. That means we need the ideals, the "law", I guess you could say, to create the gap. I do wish sometimes there were public mention of the other reality of things--that none of us is going to live up to the ideal, and that that is the point. But whatever. It's okay. 

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry this is so long. Probably none of you ever have time to read these emails. I am sorry! But I hope you all can find things to be happy about and go easier on yourselves this week. I love you all!

Sister Brown

Some good news and stories and stuff!‏

Diana can now email anyone! Not just family anymore. Her email address is dianab@myldsmail.net. The information will also be posted on the mailing address page. Hooray!

Now for her latest email:

Everyone!!!!!! I have great news!

1. They have authorized missionaries to communicate through email with ANYONE, including friends and converts. So if any of you people who read my letters want to email me, go for it. And if you already were emailing me, don't feel bad about it!

2. President day authorized us to SKYPE on Mother's Day!! I cannot wait to see everyone's faces, including all the babies! Hopefully they all can be there. Ahhhhhh, I can't wait. 

3. I am training next transfer. That means next week I will have a new missionary as my companion. I am really scared; I feel like I just barely got to Taiwan, and still don't really know what I'm doing. But I'm excited. If she is an American missionary, I am going to take her to eat intestine soup and stinky tofu on her first day and be like, "This is what we eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner here. It's sooo good, RIGHT?!" And if she is a Taiwanese missionary, I am going to make her introduce me to all these foods I would never know how to pronounce off the menu. 

4. This week I tried chicken feet (mainly just fatty, oily cartilage) and duck tongue, (actually not too bad, I got a spicy flavor.)

5. I had my first run in with the Taiwanese police this week. Sister Duggar and I had just finished up studies, we were about to leave and as I was on our porch putting on my shoes, I set my bag on the iron grill railing. Unfortunately, I wasn't very careful when I picked it up again and some very important things fell from our third floor apartment onto our neighbor's first floor roof: our keys and our cell phone. The first thing we did was just start laughing at how absurd our situation was. Then we started thinking of how to solve the problem. The neighbor wasn't home, we couldn't call anyone because even though we had a house phone, we didn't know their phone numbers, and basically we couldn't leave our house because there would be no way to get back in! We decided I was going to climb down using the railing and go retrieve the keys and phone myself. But as we were saying a prayer for safety, we decided that was a really bad idea. So long story short, we called the police and they came and brought a ladder and tried to be sympathetic to these two American girl's pathetic situation. I imagine they probably thought we intentionally threw our keys and phone onto the roof in a fit of angst about whose make-up was prettier. I tried to make small talk with them about whether their job was more tame than policeman in American because there isn't as much violence in Taiwan. I also tried to pawn off on them some green-tea cakes that someone gave us as a gift but that are not Word-of-Wisdom approved. They wouldn't take them. Awkward! 

6. It is starting to get HOT, here. The afternoons feel like Utah's May or June. I love it! What a beautiful thing, the sun is. Although I'm getting pretty scared for what Taiwan's July must be like, if it's beginning of March is this warm. 

7. I am starting to find a sense of humor in Chinese. It is such a miraculous gift, to be able to make people laugh  in a language that feels like talking with a golf ball in your mouth, but is gradually coming. 

This week I have felt so overcome love I have for my investigators, and the love they have for us. Sister Duggar is going home  to America this week, so everyone has been especially good to us lately. We had a party for her on Friday and nearly everyone showed up that has been a big part of our lives, these past 12 weeks together. That is what the picture is from. I could tell you so many stories about every single person in this picture! There is never enough time to do a single hour of mission life justice, in my emails. I just love people so much. 

 

I feel like I kind of just want to bear my testimony, I guess, about things i have been learning lately. 

First, feeling this week like I really had friends in these people was an interesting experience. We were going out to eat with two of our investigators, MiJiang and Sally, and as we were crossing the busy street, talking and laughing with each other, I realized I was really enjoying myself. Like, the way I did before my mission when I would go out with friends. And it felt so foreign! I hadn't felt I could be so relaxed and comfortable with people in a long time, largely because the language has been such a barrier with communication. I felt this overflowing gratitude that I am past that stage, and that I am capable of making small talk and having friends here. But I also felt... this deep sense of admiration for what I have been through. That is not to brag--I mean this really humbly. But really--I haven't had these kinds of friendships with people in a long time, and yet I have still been so happy. I have had an attitude wanting to focus on what I can do, instead of what I can't do, since I came to Taiwan. And I think that's why all of a sudden the goodness of these friendships has come like a delightful surprise, not like a long-awaited, hard-earned, deserved reward. It has strengthened my understanding of how the objective circumstances of our lives matter much less in regards to our happiness than our attitude. How could I have been so at peace with things back when I basically lived in a silent world of just me and Sister Kang? I don't know, but I was. And I am sure in a few months I will look back on right now and feel the same way. I still have infinite need for growth in my Chinese and ability to really understand and love people. But a positive attitude, I am learning, really helps us to have joy along  the way during this learning process. 

Recently, we have been really encouraged to spend time finding less actives and encouraging them to start coming back to church. Sometimes when I imagine contacting these people, I picture a narrow-eyed, scowling, very-disenchanted middle-aged woman peeking out at us from a crack in the door and muttering, "Ah, it's you silly Mormons again. Think you can get me to come back to your rotten church? You can't!"  And I imagine that all of them probably have really deep issues and reasons for not wanting to come to church, like offense from a priesthood leader or problems with church history. But I am finding over and over again, that usually the case is that these people just get busy and stop coming for a while, and eventually feel too forgotten about by the church and God to come back. We have had some incredibly sweet experiences, with them. 

A few days ago, I called this less active woman, and asked if we could come visit her on Sunday. So yesterday we pedaled our bikes out to the edge of YongHe, and made our way up to their fifth floor apartment. She and her husband had set up house slippers for us at the door and immediately ushered us to sit down on their blue leather couches. They offered us muffins (which are considered cake, here), drinks, and kumquats to eat, and immediately made us feel so welcome. We just talked to them for the first part of the lesson, getting to them better, their beliefs and background. They were so sweet and humble as they told us about some of the difficulties they had been facing lately. The woman said she has been feeling for a long time like she needs God in her life again, but has been away for so long that she feels guilty going back. I asked her how she felt about her daughter, who was playing with her toys on the other side of the room, and who they were very affectionate towards. I asked her how she would feel if her daughter got hurt and came to her crying--how she would respond. She said, "I would comfort her and try to do what I could to help." I asked, "What if she had been really pi (naughty) the day before? Would you have the same response?" The woman just started crying and crying, understanding. We talked about how Heavenly Father's love for us is the same as the love we have for our children, but bigger. He is so quick to forgive and always wanting us to come back to him, all the more so because we have strayed. There was such a beautiful spirit there. They said they really felt comforted and that us coming was a huge answer to their prayers. It was  one of those really cool experiences where I felt like I was really doing what I came here wanting to do. 

And I just want to say... I really believe what I told her is true. I have never felt so weak, as on my mission. There is not sufficient time to recount all the hard things about being a missionary! All the expectations. All the pressure. All the responsibility to solve problems you don't know how to solve. I am sure that all of you have had similar experiences so you probably do understand. But I have never, ever felt so clearly and closely, the reality of Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and their love for us. This week especially has carried so many struggling, desperate moments of prayer for me. So many times I have wondered if I am doing good or not, so much searching of my motives and desires. But his peace comes, like a hug. A hug. And it's the most beautiful, freeing thing in the world, to just give it to him. And to experience your love for him grow, this being who you can't see or hear but somehow you just know is really there. And it's so enabling, too! I have never been happier, overall, and never felt more capable at solving these problems that go way over my head. I know I am not so much solving them as exploring my capability to make waves in the world, and trying to use the light of Christ to do that well.

I hope you all have a great week! I love you all so much! 

Sister Brown

Made of plastic, it's fantastic‏

Good morning beautiful world!!

Why the title of this email? 

Because that "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie worrrrld" song is playing on the radio right now. Sister Duggar and I are rocking out, bopping our heads. And I think the line about being made of plastic really applies to how I feel on rainy days when I'm wearing my big blue plastic rain tarp!

Here are a couple of pictures from this week.

For lunch on Wednesday, we ate this soup called, "Sishen tang". Some member in our ward insisted it is really healthy--apparently it contains Chinese Herbal medicine--and I like to try new things. I ordered it and then asked the owner of the shop what was in it. This is kind of what her answer sounded like to me, "ie%ofjsfu3f#oj3of8jijCHANGfjf89suf89fs^^ifjslxx*x". Chang=animal innards. Sure enough,  this soup turned out to be a sweet broth with chewy, windy animal intestines in it. There were some other white chunks that may have been some sort of grain but also could have been fermented brains or fungus-covered kidneys. Type of animal=unidentified. Likely a pig or cow. I had to chant, "Cultural conditioning... It's only cultural conditioning" to myself in my mind over and over to get through the whole bowl, but at last I did. I ate the whole thing! The taste really wasn't too bad, just the image of a Taiwanese man  chopping a pig in half, taking a handful of whatever is inside, slopping it in a bowl and after a minute in the microwave putting in front of me and my companion that wouldn't leave my head while I ate.

The other picture is from last P-Day! We went hiking at YangMing Shan, a mountain about 45 minutes away from YongHe, where I live right now. Sister Duggar and I went with our zone leaders (Elder Xu and Elder Baker, who are hilarious!) and a member friend in their ward, whose English name is Benson. It was incredibly beautiful--sorry this picture doesn't really capture it. We got a stranger on the road to take the picture for us, so the quality is poor. It's hard for me to believe sometimes because YongHe is 100% city, but Taiwan is an incredibly-green, lush island. And up in the mountains, it is quiet. No cars, scooters, or buses clogging the air with noise and exhaust. I can't describe my happiness that day, being out in nature with a God in my heart who I know so much better. It's a beautiful thing to find, when you are away from your busy, daily life and have quiet time to think and reflect, that you are at peace with yourself. I felt so capable of appreciating the moment--the moss-covered rocks and trees, the blue sky and soft sun on my skin, the smell of sweat and plants, the friends surrounding me. I had a great conversation with Elder Baker as we hiked. It was one of the most pleasant, peaceful, joyful days of my life. On our way back down the mountain, we got worried that we wouldn't be able to get back to our areas in time for P-Day to end at 6pm, so we hitch hiked back to the Metro station. We were so cute, sticking out our thumbs and trying to figure out which facial expressions and bodily postures--cheerful or depressed--would get people to pull over for us. This was my first experience hitch hiking! I would be a bit more reluctant in America, but Taiwanese people are so good. It was a friendly couple in their 30's who picked us back and drove us down the windy mountain. We talked with them about Sociology--the guy had majored in Sociology, just like me!--and church. Guess what they were listening to on the radio? Imagine Dragons, a band from Provo. "I'm never changing who I am". Globalism is WEIRD, I tell you. 

God is real. I am so thankful for the promise of clean starts and hope of change that the gospel provides us.  I need them so much. 

I don't think I have told you about Wu May yet. She is one of our beloved investigators who is getting baptized in the next couple of weeks! I adore her. She is a single lady, age 41, who dresses in cute, lacey things, always has her hair curled, has six cats, and a great relationship with God. We met her about two months ago, and at first were a little unsure of how things would go with her. She is very philosophical, and sometimes our conversations would go in the direction of what she thought Satan was--whether it is another face of God, a name for our deepest fears, or an actual person. I actually sort of love conversations like that, so sometimes I was tempted to indulge, but we knew if we wanted to really teach her the gospel we needed to bring her back to the basics--a personal relationship with God. We encouraged her in that, and told her that she could find answers her questions if she learned how to learn with God. Thinking, studying, and opening her heart to him. It's scary to tell people that, sometimes, because you really do have to trust that God is real and wants to communicate with them. It would be much easier to just tell her what I think. But we decided to trust, and it has worked. The first time we asked her about baptism, she said she didn't think it was necessary because she didn't think God would be contained within a single church. We told her she could pray about it and a few weeks later, she said she could see why baptism was necessary--not because there is no truth found in other churches--but because it's like a marriage. It makes our covenant with him real, tangible, and changes us. The first time we taught her about Christ's atonement, she didn't see why some person in history who suffered could have relevance to us. Last week we had a lesson with her, and she said through study and prayer, she was learning how great Christ was. She gave us three bullet points for why he was so great. I can't remember exactly what they all were, but basically she talked about how he had perfect faith in his father in heaven, and that was what enabled him to be perfect in his actions and treatment of others. Second, his example gave us someone to emulate, and his atonement gives us a very real "power" to emulate his example. To have love when our own love is not enough.

I have absolutely loved teaching Wu May, because she has such a questioning mind and really does have a relationship with God. I always learn from her. Our Word of Wisdom lesson turned into a conversation about how all women should "listen to their uterus" and not drink cold drinks (Taiwanese women INSIST cold drinks are bad for your uterus). And I have genuinely loved her insights about what repentance means--not condemning ourselves, but opening ourselves to the goodness and worth that constitutes our real identities. She is one of the first investigators I have had who sees things, spiritually, really similarly to how I see them. The other day she was telling us about how much she loves God. She said, "I feel he just... loves me so much. As soon as I am willing to say 'Okay God, I am willing. Have it your way,' he just blesses me so much. He gives me such... big feelings. Sometimes I just cry and cry at how close he feels, and the wisdom he gives me. It's so funny because then my cats will start climbing on me, wondering what's wrong." 

What a beautiful thing! I can't tell you what joy it brought me to see that amid all the missionary rules, procedures, routines, all the pressures and disappointments and confusing things that make up this life--that it really can lead to this, to a woman who knows that same loving being that I know. Who has seen eye to eye. This woman, who has only been exposed to the rhetoric of this church for two months and thus describes things so differently than how the old ladies do in Utah testimony meetings, knows the same loving being that is always speaking to us. Things are not perfect with her. It's not like because she knows these things she is assimilating into some Molly-Mormon relief society president. She really likes coffee, and had a bit of a skiff with our district leader during her baptismal interview because she has different opinions than him on some issues. Some of it is confusing to sort through. But we keep encouraging her, like we do with everyone, to trust the God they know in their heart. And it's amazing what beautiful things that can bring. 

Okay, I have to go. I love you all so much! Thanks for all the letters and support! Mary, I got your package and LOVED it!!! Thank you!

Take care. Love the world around you, especially the people. 

Sister Brown