Dear Everyone,

I could tell you a million stories about what has happened in the past couple of weeks, with my companion and my area my soul. It has been some crazy stuff, too.  Probably all these stories would contradict each other, too. And I probably will never tell you most of these stories.

But I just want you to know, that I think God is found in that time you got so stressed and worked  up about this or that or that other thing, and then you think about them for a minute, and then you realize that actually--because God exists and I exist, too--that none of those things matter. The gift he wants to give us is that we can have a free, clean, loving heart any time we decide we want it enough. I think Christ wants to teach us that all things can be new, any time we want. Including ourselves.

I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. But probably not in the way you think. I feel perfectly capable of being cheerful in January. But I think I still have SAD because in June and July, when the sun comes out, I am SO, SO HAPPY! I can't contain it. Lately it has been insanely hot, and humid. We walk out of air conditioned buildings and it literally feels like walking into a sauna. The air pulls on your breath the same way. I love to throw out my arms and smile an say, "Oh, hen shufu!!" (So comfortable!) And then when we go inside an air-conditioned building, the sensation on my skin is literally like jumping into a cold pool. I am getting used to pretty much always being wet, with a thin layer of sweat.

Another really great think about life is all the biking I get to do in my new area. TuCheng is a big area that requires a lot of traveling on bike. It also has lots of bridges with beautiful views. Maybe next week I will send you a picture of the bridges we get to bike over. When I am up there, looking across at the city and the river area that runs between them, I feel almost guilty with how good my life is here. I also want to take a sentence to brag about how freaking buff my legs are right now. Okay, sentence over.

The other best thing about life right now is realizing how simple and pure I am allowed to be, right now. Sometimes I come at home at night and think back on my day and start doubting myself a little bit. Should I have done that differently, or that, or that? Am I bad person or an okay one? etc. And then I say a prayer, and I affirm that I really did just try to serve people that day, and recommit to do it again the next. And then that's it. Sometimes I pray really hard to do more meaningful service, and will sit there on my knees until I have a specific plan for something I can do for someone in the ward, or an investigator. Other times before bed I turn on Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings (thanks Brian!) and lie on the couch and close my eyes and think about nothing. I've never felt so capable, some nights, of emptying out all the toxic  fears and insecurities that usually stew inside me, and just appreciating the moment.It is really great.

That being said, the past couple weeks really have been crazy and I have had other nights where I feel spiritually numb and my desire to let go of hurt isn't big enough to jump to that state. Why is it that our hurts feel so holy to us, sometimes? I believe in the freedom God wants for us, but I also believe it is hard to get there. Just keep trying!

I love you all very much! Natalie, I am so excited for your baby! Thanks for all your support!

Diana