Wo hai zai paobu (I'm still running)‏

Dear everyone, 

I almost got deported, just now! We were sitting doing our emails and some policemen came in and asked to see my Resident Visa Card.... Thank goodness I had it on me! They scanned it and asked Sun Jiemei, "Is she your friend?" and seemed really surprised when I answered them in Chinese. Then they left. Wow, this what it must be like to be Hillary! 

One of my favorite missionary friends said to me once that a mission is a lot like running. You know it is good for you and the strength and energy you find in yourself gives you a high, but is is a lot of effort. Sometimes you crave that "after the run" feeling, but your time isn't yet. I feel like that describes pretty well how I feel about life. But at the same time, I tell myself every day that if I can learn to be happy on my mission, I can learn to be happy in every other situation in my life. So I try to every day focus on the people around me, focus on God, focus on the beauty of old apartment buildings with bird-cage windows and tastes of the food I'll never find in America. And gosh, really, even though there are the moments where my lungs are bursting and I want to stop and catch my breath,  I am very happy with life here. 

The most "high" moments for me come when I find I am really able to help people, really able to be a tool for good. This week we had a Zhang Jiemei get baptized. She is a chubby woman about Mom's age who has a pleasant round face, short black hair, and is always quietly bubbling with nice things to say about people.  

I used to think it was cheesy when other missionaries would talk about baptismal services being their happiest moments, but gosh--the love I felt for her and from her was really overwhelming. I couldn't stop smiling, the whole time. She told a story during her testimony that I wanted to tell. Apparently last Tuesday she was with her Dad, who is very traditional Taiwanese and doesn't really respect her decision to be baptized. He was trying to get her to drink a glass of beer and kept pressuring her until she felt so guilty, not wanting to cause conflict with him. Then I called her to see how she was doing. As she was talking on the phone to me, her Dad got bored, but the beer in the fridge, went to take a shower, and completely forgot about the incident. She said she was so thankful that Heavenly Father answered her prayer, and sent me to save her from the situation. 

My favorite part about this is that when I called her, I was just doing my normal routine calls to follow up with investigators  It didn't feel like anything special. I was probably feeling pressed for time, and didn't know if I really had to call her because she typically is doing really well. But I decided to anyway. So never diminish the importance of all the normal, every day things you do for the people you care about! You never know how it might influence them! And just live by faith that you are helping people in your daily efforts, even if sometimes you can't see the results. I think the most noble things done every day are contained in stories that are never told. The most important being the atonement. We try so hard to talk about and understand Jesus Christ and the enormity of his love and sacrifice for us, but none of us has a clue. I gain so much strength and insight into my own life by remembering that simple point, and hope you can, too. 

Jeffrey, hope your first week in the MTC is going smoothly! Garrett, congrats on graduating from BYU! The lei made out of origami cranes sounds really beautiful. Does anyone have a picture of it? Sparrow, I hope your PR really can cover up the couch incident for you. 

Here are a couple of pictures! This week I have an extra companion working with me Sister Sun and I--Sister Wang. She was called to serve in Australia but has been working in our mission until her visa comes. I love hanging out with her and Sun Jiemei. We love to cook disgusting things together out of all the leftovers in our fridge--(last night was hashbrowns, expired soy milk, egg, and green onions chopped up, mixed together, and fried like pancakes, with an expired mushroom tomato sauce on top.) I love that I can hang out with Taiwanese people and be able to communicate well enough with them to really be friends. (Every once in a while Sun Jiemei and I will have a night when we lay in bad until late just talking, telling stories, and laughing together.) 

I speak pretty much 99% in Chinese these days, which may explain some of my awkward grammar when writing, but which I am really proud of.  It's so strange how different life can be than how it always has been, but how we get used to it, and can come to love it, if we want to. I never want to be afraid of change or having new experiences!

So one of these pictures is of me, Sun Jiemei, and Wang Jiemei. The other is a picture of our baptism this week. This is Zhang Jie Mei with us, her two sons, and her sons potential girlfriend. Yay! 

I love you all so much! 

Diana

A story about a watermelon

Good Morning! 

Thank you everyone for your love and support. I would love to hear from a lot of you I haven't heard from recently! Not just because I--along with every missionary-- am desperate for letters, but because I genuinely love and miss all of you. Friends and family, all included! I pray for all of you so much. I think about you. I want to know what's going on in your lives. Hope all is going great!

These pictures are from a hike we went on last P-day. This is my beloved city, Taipei, Taiwan! The tall building is called "Taipei 101", it is 101 stories and is (obviously) the tallest building in the city. The people in the picture are other missionaries or members. 

There are days like that--spent trudging through the mountains with good conversations buzzing around you--when I feel so overcome with happiness. Having to be so spiritually/mentally/intellectually/physically on your toes all the time can make you appreciate simple things like nature and stories and chinese graffiti on rocks as if they are sacred. 

There are moments where my soul catches glimpses of why someone would choose to be a nun, a saint, a savior. 

Moments where the utter loneliness of selfishness is so clear and cutting. What does it mean, at the bottom of things, if people think you are the prettiest/smartest/most capable/most deserving? On a deeper level, what does it mean if people finally start agreeing with you, admit they were wrong, start treating you the way you "know" you deserve to be treated, etc? Really, if I won it all, what would it mean? I am starting to see how winning arguments, winning admiration, winning respect for my own comfort's sake is like being the king in Robin Hood--sitting alone in his palace counting his money.  The only way anything matters, it seems, is if in the end it allows you to live side by side with another human being. 

I love when love is spread and comes back around. Last week, Sister Zhong, came to one of our investigator's lessons. She is a chubby, older woman in our ward who takes us out to eat Hot Pot about once a month and always reminds me to tell my parents not to worry, she is my "mama" in Taiwan. She brought us a huge watermelon, just to be nice. After the lesson, we weren't sure what to do with it because we were going to visit the Shi family, and it fit in our bike baskets but we felt awkward carrying it into their house. We decided to solve the problem, we would give the watermelon to the Shi family as a gift. They are quite poor, with three kids and an apartment the size of most people's living room. We had a really good lesson with them. The Mom, who we are really close to, started crying because of stress in her marriage and we tried our best to comfort her. 

The next night, this mom had volunteered to help us with an investigator's lesson, but didn't show up, so we started without her. We were talking to Sally about Tithing, Fast offerings, and the importance of mutual love and service in the church. We were specifically talking about Christ, how he was willing to do this for all of us--to bear our burdens and sensitively, lovingly respond to our needs--to the greatest extent. About halfway through the lesson, the mom came in with three bags of watermelon. "Sorry I'm late," she said, "I was cutting up the watermelon you gave me last night". And she gave the bags to us and to Sally, our investigator. I wanted to cry; it was so sweet, and the perfect example of the kind of Christ-like sensitivity and care we were discussing. 

Sally, by the way, is an incredibly strong investigator. She came out to us a few weeks ago. "Wo xihuan nusheng," she said. (I like girls). She, along with another investigator who is also attracted to women, know they are expected to keep the law of chastity but still want to get baptized. I don't want to claim to know their hearts, what their reasons are for being willing to make this sacrifice, but from what they tell us, it is because they have felt the difference between a life filled with Christ-like love, service, hope, and humility, and a life without. Maybe I can write more specifically about them later. 

 

I love being a trainer. Having opportunities to teach how to be a missionary helps me to realize that really, I am just trying to teach  Sun JieMei how to be a good person. Not that I have any room to talk about this topic, but I try. One time as we were going to a meeting and I was contacting people on the subway, but I could tell she was feeling shy about it. So I said, "Pick a person to talk to. Don't worry about talking to her about the gospel at first. Just get to know her. Think about what she worries about, hopes for, and all the things God knows about her but that no one else knows. Just try to love her." We have such sweet experiences, when we approach missionary work that way. 

I have been thinking so much of Jeffrey this week, and praying so much for him. 

Jeffrey, I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you I love you in person! Good luck with this transition into the MTC. One last thing I have been thinking that I want you to know is that if you worry that your faith or desire isn't strong enough to serve, stop worrying. You are right! One myth that has been totally dispelled for me on my mission is the idea that there are "some" missionaries who have testimonies and are out for the "right" reasons, and others who are not. Even the strongest who go out will quickly learn that all the good abilities, desires, and experiences they have need to be stretched and shaped--often uncomfortably--to fit the unique reality they are placed in. The mission, and life in general, is all about LEARNING to have faith, LEARNING to have good desires, in new situations, with new people, etc. Your willingness to open up your heart and work hard is the most important thing. 

Jiayou! Wo ai nimen! (Translation: Good luck/Add oil, I love you)

--Sister Brown

P.S. Speaking of Chinese, can I just tell you all how much I love it?! I am starting to read and write more and more, and its opening me up to the beauty of this language. Every character has a history that can teach you so much about this culture and how they see the world. I wish there were time to adequately study everything I want to in life.

The mystery of godliness, how great it is--D&C 19‏

Dajia hao, 

I hope you all are doing great! I hope after hearing a shout-out to Mrs. Shwartz in general conference you are all more inspired to have great Grandview days! (For those of you who don't know--Elaine S. Dalton's mother was the first grade teacher after pretty much our whole family.) 

So, my companion, Sun Jiemei, is just about the cutest person in the entire world. She is very petite, has straight black hair, and a wide jaw that comes from her being half Indonesian. She hates eating outside, even though that is the lifestyle of Taiwan. (The average person eats out pretty much every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner--food is so cheap, and their kitchens are all too tiny to cook much.)  So have been spending a lot of time inside lately during meal times, and she has been teaching me to cook curry and soupy rice and cabbage! I am so excited to cook for you all when I get back. 

The other day, we were studying and she said to me, "Sister Brown, ask me a really hard question--I know how to answer any hard question by using the scriptures." So I got all philosophical about it and asked her something about how to compel yourself to love when you don't want to. She said, "Okay, now turn to 1 Nephi 13:22". 

You can go and look it up yourself. I was laughing so hard. 

She was raised Muslim. It is really interesting having her perspective on the gospel. In her view, she says there is nothing wrong with Islam. She just joined the church becase she felt it had more truth to give her about God than Islam did alone, and because it helped her understand herself better. 

So much I want to say about her!

It's interesting being a trainer, and watching her go through all her first experiences as a missionary. Rejection, responsibility, work work work. It is the closest thing I think to being a mother that I have ever felt--I feel a lot of responsibility to teach her the things that will help make this life the best, happiest, and most successful for her. It is interesting what conclusions I come to, when I think of it that way. Sometimes the way I feel inspired to help her is to teach her the skills I have developed over the past seven months on island--how to talk to strangers, how to teach, how to schedule and plan, etc. But when I really pray and think deeply about what she needs, I realize the skill I want to give her most is to live every day with a cheerful and faithful heart. Mission life really is full of so many things we can't control--which means a lot of disappointments. Just like life outside the mission. I think the best thing I can give her is to be a person who can face these disappointments and yet still genuinely LOVES this life. I hope someday if I have kids I will be able to teach them the same thing. 

And I just spent pretty much all my time writing mission advice for Bill, which I sent to Mom. So I better get going. 

But, life is good! Don't worry about me, but keep praying for me. 

Sister Brown

XinXin (Faith)

Dear everyone,

Have you noticed how your whole vision of reality changes depending on the current state of your moral character? 

Every day as a missionary is full of that stab in your feet from standing on the fence between inwardness and outwardness, between selfishness and love. But I don't know if love describes it well enough--the love that our schedule, expectations, and responsibilities requires us to have is not some passive feeling. It's an active, living, sacrificial kind of love. It's a love that requires you to constantly be moving, if not from sleep's stumbly arms each morning at 6:30 or on your bike each afternoon, then from resentment to forgiveness towards your companion, despair towards hope in your attitude about getting wet and cold in the rain in order to go and visit some] ward member who very well may not be home. 

These are the kinds of activities and expectations that fill each day. When I choose inwardness, selfishness, and focus on all the things I am being denied--social interaction with family and friends, personal time, books, sleep, warmth, facebook, etc.--missionary work is absolutely miserable. It traps you in a world of things you don't want to do or feel spiritually, physically, and intellectually inadequate to do. Everything from your companion's subtle actions to the missionary handbook to the mission president's weekly emails and your schedule each day constantly reminds you of all these "moral" responsibilities you have towards people. I feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, stressed, bitter. One of the first things I do, when I get in selfish mode, is I start attacking that word, "Moral". I start saying to myself, "This is completely unrealistic, what they expect me to do. None of them are perfect, who are they to require me to do this?" Basically, "I don't think I really have these moral responsibilities at all." Interestingly, I don't even know who "them" is--my mission leaders, the general authorities, my family? My blame often targets itself at specific persons, but mainly just in a general direction of "other people". If I go deep and long enough in this kind of thinking, my blame will start to target itself at God, and I start to doubt his goodness and thus his existence. I think this is the source of a lot of depression some missionaries feel all the time, but certainly all missionaries feel some of the time. 

Sometimes I think the problem is in missionary life--as if this isn't real life. It's definition of what life is, explanations for why things are they way they are, and moral mandates for how to act in life, are certainly very different from what most of the world thinks. It is very tempting and easy, then, to say that there must be a fault in the thinking. Then I try to really think about what I know about life, and what other people know about life. Which is really nothing. I don't think anyone has reality nailed down, from the scientists to the philosophers to the politicians to the celebrities to me. We often feel the most comfortable with saying, "this is real; this is how life works; this is what is right" if everyone agrees on the same thing, but that is no legitimate reason. What we DO know about life, though, is that fighting with our families brings unhappiness, that stealing breeds mistrust, that that bird on the ground over there looks hungry and that the old people at the rest home love to have just anyone sit with them and hold their hand. We know that our sister hates when we leave hair in the sink and that she loves cute notes and brownies. We know that even though We know that based on our actions, we are able to bring about good and avoid bad in our life. I think the reality most of know best and yet not well enough is not some scientific, tangible reality--but moral reality. 

Put in that way, the pressure to be morally good that missionaries feel constantly aware of is actually the reality of all of us.   I think Moms and Dads and school teachers and teenagers and everyone else feel the pressure of the needs of people around them and the responsibilities consequently put on their backs. So what is the difference? I would probably say that in missionary work, there is no escape. They cut you off from your family, friends, your facebook, your music, your favorite hobbies. All these things that are not bad but are often distracting from moral responsibility and often driven by personal interest. They redefine all your social interaction with others as interaction with a moral purpose--"To invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and his atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end." This is our response to the needs of the world, and there is no escape in missionary life from the responsibility to meet these needs. 

One of the things I have been thinking about lately, is that missionary work, strange as it might be, may perhaps be more real than real life, because it never lets us forget about our moral reality. No wonder it is so controversial and so difficult. 

Anyway. The cool thing about missionary work is when you decide to jump into the part of the yard that embodies sacrifical love, compassion, openness, outwardness, is that things fall into place. You find yourself having strength and energy to do things you never thought you would be able to do. You find yourself saying things you never thought you would say, and believing them sincerely. You find that your doubts sort of resolve themselves into an ever-present but comfortable spot in the back of your mind. You keep them there as you ought, because they teach us to constantly be searching for God, constantly be searching for more truth and more enlightenment, but they don't trap you in despair the way they once did. And you find you appreciate life much more. You love people for who they are, instead of who they might introduce you to or because they are attractive. You love them and you really, honestly desire for their happiness. I have never felt so much sincere love for people as I have, here. There is so much you can criticize about the missionary program, the way they choose to do things, but I don't think I can ever deny that through this I have felt more love and more close to God and more enlightened about my moral reality than I ever have before. 

Hope you found something interesting to think about in that. I love you all! 

Sister Brown